deeper memory
this morning after my painful DREAM, i lay in bed trying to comfort myself with pleasant memories from my toddler age...
i awoke and recalled that in the dream i made plans to join a meeting. then a lady spoke with me by phone that she wanted to interview me to compare her foriegn culture to mine. i forgot the meeting and committed to meet her. the time came to leave the building and my cellular rang she wanted to know how long until i arrived... i realized i had set two meetings at the same time... so for an agonizing ten seconds i spoke stalling on the phone unable to decide kuz i had committed to the meeting but also committed to the interview finally i chose meeting a lady, even for an interview would be closer to fun than a meeting. i told her i would be by her soon kuz i was nearby and decided to walk to her interview instead of the meeting... suddenly i was at the meeting with many men... and i felt agony i had DECIDED already to go to the lady !! but i had not done my decision and now i was even further away i felt pain... (the first time in a long time that i felt PAIN in a dream. rarely i cry in a dream maybe 3 times in a year... or the common fear felt in dreams... but the frst time pain emotional AGONY for not doing my decision...) so i decided to lie to her that an emergency occurd but before i could call her by cellular, i heard gun shots and the manager of the meeting yeld to run near him, to tell me three secret words that i emphasized in my memeory the secret and then gunmen enterd the meeting and shot all around and the manager dropd dead... i did not feel pain nor sadness... nor fear actualy i have not felt fear during a dream in many years.
the gunmen demanded "reveal and say the secret or they will kill the last survivors in the room and more people in the building."
i believed the manager that the words were secret and stood silent. they fired guns killing everybody in the room except me kuz i had the info... if they kill me they will never know. then one went and brought at gunpoint more men into the room and said he would kill them unless i say the secret and i was silent so he shot them too.
finally i askd "if you kill me you will never know so will you torture me?" they said "we have different ways to get the secret and grabd my arm yanking it... which woke me from the dream.
when i awoke i realized hat i had never ever had that type of dream with that type of pain... ever of realizing i had DECIDED to go one place but went to another... and missing the commitment. the rare dreams when i cried in the dream were different from this pain and the crying was rare... maybe in a year i cry in dreams only three times.
i tried to comfort myself with happy memories... and UNLOKd an old compartment of memoies...
i thout back to the "kiss face" story. day after day i enjoyed the attention and symbolism that a girl with black short hair kissed my right cheek day after day saying remember me... and i did and do recall her face. her skin TAN like after many days at the beach. she kisd me in the room of the home-nursery [like the start of the video daddy daycare but a decent home nursery] ergo i must have been age two. i did not feel pleasure from the kisses but knew they symbolized her love that i enjoyed.
today i UNLOKD the background of that memory. this was the first kiss of my life later i would get my first lip kiss... involvng the opposite left cheek.
that girl liked me kuz we were the two toddlers FIRST to be "traind to control" our waste exit like adults.
the story was: the teacher with a hebrew title ! that i had not recalled for years, until today, had announced a huge fuss of honor for the first girl to be "trained" to ask to use a toilet. teacher praised and fussed and encouraged all six other kids to control and train like her and like adults.
i recalled my feeling of horror that i WAS wearing panties same as adults and the teacher only praised her. so after the big fuss and praise, i went to the teacher and said "i also dont need diapers" and the teacher said "you are a boy. boys are always older than girls when they first control."
i left her confused. then i decided on a plan! i lied to the teacher that i "need her help to unstick the diaper tape so i could sit on the potty."
she argued "just let it go, it is normal for boys to wait until older"
so i argued "but it is easier for you not to clean and change diapers."
she argued "she does not mind and that is her job for all seven kids."
i argued "but you SAID that we should be like her... so you were lying." then she agreed to escort me into the toilet room and i lied "i cant unstick the sticky tape myself so she opened my pants and saw the panty thin cloth and... what word for the sound? not exactly scream but a short shriek of surprise like a yelp. i was startled by her yelp... luckily i did not feel the pressure to drain or i may have let loose from her shrill high pitched yelp cry of surprise.
then i puld the panty down to the floor sat on the potty and let loose a jet of fluid. she gasped "i dont believe it," as she walked out from the room. i was surprised that she was surprised.
after she returned to watch me wash my hands with soap and water she sat me and the queen at a separate table to motivate the other girls to train and control their waste and get the honor we had... she was the girl that kiss-cheek me. the first girl to be trained.
day after day she kissd my right cheek and said remember me.
at lunch we sat at a table just us two. but the other toddlers not ready for panties i mean thin cloth, not absorbant thick cloth, sat separate.
one new detail that i never remembered until tday...
after many days when she simply believed the teacher, she said she wants to see that i dont wear "absorbant" i said "i wear cloth not plastic" she argued no PROOF kuz cloth-diapers are thick but still cloth and still diapers.
so i immediately and shamelessly even proudly yanked down my thick dark pants and proudly showed my white brifs... she asked why is the cloth "missing" so as i yankd up the thick dark pants i explained the cloth is like curtains to pull apart aside... same as yours" she then grabd my left hand and pressed it against her dark green dress on her side so i could feel her thin fabric under her dress "see it is thin not absorbant".
we continued day after day, to sit together, the only two kids at the adult table... a low table for the kids "trained like adults" but the other 3 boys and two girls never "graduated" to our low adult table by the end of the school year in nursery.
so that is the story of how we were together with the "common first" for toddlers in the group for control. and she was the girl that first kisd me ever, a kiss on the cheek day after day.
so that is the new memeory i unlokd adding to the later stories:
later i would have a blond girl frend that was easier to remember. the one who shared the round cookies and hugd me day after day...
the one who taught me the bodily difference between a girl and boy kuz i thout girls were same shape...
and in one of the hugs i taught her how to use her leg to feel i was a boy. but we hugd every day and she shared her round cookies day after day.
on the first day after we hugd, 3 brats chanted at me "you have a girlfrend you have a girlfriend" i argued "HAVE" like sonething good so one of the three said "like having a stain" and i felt different but she heard and the next day during the hug she explained that rich wealthy people have fancy cars and big mansions so i am different like the wealthy kuz i have a girl frend.
i knew in society blond was considered best... so i did not tell her i thought he fface looked ugy nor that i dont like blond hair i just enjoyed the attention from her... until i broke her heart on the day of the pillow story.
later a different girl was my girl frend and she shared animal shaped cookies.
now i see a pattern. all three girls: cookie, pillow, cookie, were "caring for my pity" first no snack at snack time so round-cookie girl hugd me and shared her cookie. then pillow girl who traded her pillow for my rough coarse pillow and third animal shape cookie girl who felt pity that the teacher gave me "broken animals" different than the others so she brought animal cookies from home and gave me two and if i read a book to her gave me more.
***the BIBLICAL child
after nursery, i went to the all boys pre-school which led to me being "jacob with his four wives" kus i was shorter:
the first girl was lip-kiss grabbing my left cheek with her hand to kiss my lips the first lip kiss ever in my life was with that six year old girl. who heard about me by the abraham club. she told other girs that my shortness was a benefit so i got three more wives for intimacy, kus they enjoyed using their slot at age six, and repeated many weeks, when the parents napd, on saturday no job, we met in new york near 240 street, and i was jacob with his ffour wives: lip-kiss, shy hebrew, pinch and top. we were all minors so free from society law about intimacy. they were age six and i was age five and shorter than other boys age 5 so these "older girls" tried and liked.
lip kiss was the first girl to invite me to use her slot. obviously the three year olds only kissd or hugd as above... before six they dont use slots yet... in contrast to the stories that the rabbis taught us when i was five.
i replied "i dont know what to do" so she said "only lie face up" then she did all the action, sliding down from my knees to plug-in the tube in the slot. she told other girls it was pleasant so they wanted too.
the shy girl, who stood silently, until lip said "say what you wanna say" and i said "whisper in my ear." but instead she said in hebrew the phrase in hebrew from the story of josef so my shortness benefitted me extra pleasure.
third i met pinch. she threatend she would pinch me if i did not do the same pleasure as the other to her too. later adding top girl the one who insisted i be on top in contrast to the other three i was on the floor face up.
we met once each week for several weeks until after many repeats... indicating they enjoyed and did not regret, three girls were satisfied and stopd. only pinch demanded "i want i will pinch you if you dont" do the pleasure plug.
then the "flower club" interrupted my plug fun.
my parents insisted that on saturday i go to the "flower club." i walked with two brats that i recall and two more that i cannot remember and this group of five brats walked together the mile to the club house. for the flower club.
we walked up a hill which was difficult for me and as we reached a certain intersection i noticed that on the side, the street that was not steep was "along" parallel.. this would be significant later. i tried to point this out but they ignored me and said a sixth kid lives here so we knocked on his door... but he did not wanna come.
we reached the club house and the brats were wild rnning around and the club leader called counselor shouted at them to sit and listen to the story but they ignored him and i left early to walk toward home... then i met the christian family...
different than i wrote in the past more details:
on the way home i stopd at the home of the sixth kid who i met that day and therefore recognized from school. i knew he was home as above he did not join us. he said he did not wanna play with me.
his lil sister not named sara came and said that i should be upset that he was mean to me and rejected me. sara invited me to play with her at a neighbor house. sara's parents were asleep napping on saturday so they did not know that she went to a christian nebbir.
the nebbirs were getting out of the car as i recalld and wrote elsewhere and she introduced me to her nebbir and the three of us sat at a table with dad. he was watching and reading a book while two girls and a boy me played at the table.
the next week i told the flower goup NOT to walk up the steep hill since the other flat road led the same place. they said they would race and see who got their first. i thout the uphill climb would slow them... i ran along the flat roaad while they ran uphill i was soon out breath and walked. i reached the intersection and did not see them so i went to the christian home.
the two girls were playing alone at the table so i joined their game. an hour later, pinch girl came too... she wanted me and had asked around where i was and sara said i played with her and her nebbir.
she said that she missed me. why did i leave her? that i deserved a pinch and she pinched me on the tube which felt good and warnd she would pinch HARDER if we did not plug same as in the past. sara shrieked in panic... when she heard that this girl used her slot at age six... clearly in horror... not crying but horrified, sara ran home.
then pinch told the girl, not named jeesusa, that it was pleasant... kuz i was short. she should try it too. so i had two wives... at the time i did not count the jesus one as a wife so i was more like isac with one wife rebka and a concubine like abraham and hagar but not two concubines like abraham and ktura those were my thouts at that age five and despite my surprise that they enjoyed it long before pregnancy age i thought of the story of rebeka age THREE according to the "holy" rabbis...
we repeated for a few weeks while my parents thout i was at the flower clubhouse. this repeated a few weeks until pinch stopd visiting [her parents probly did not let her go to a christian]. jesusa said she should only play with girls... so THAT week her parents offered to drive me home on THAT day but i said my parents forbid cars so i stayed at their house many hours... i read some of their short picture kid-books while jeesusa went to bring sara and the two girls played at the table.
by prayer time they drove me to... the prayer building [not home at dark that was a separate memory] where i rejoined my pa and lied that "i stayed long at the flower club." luckily he wasnot listening.
so that ended my multi wife until third grade again i was like jacob but not four just the detail that jacob had two SISTERS as wives. so in my childhood of pain and neglect and bullying for being shorter... my shortness led to pleasure with "older" girls.
this morning after my painful DREAM, i lay in bed trying to comfort myself with pleasant memories from my toddler age...
i awoke and recalled that in the dream i made plans to join a meeting. then a lady spoke with me by phone that she wanted to interview me to compare her foriegn culture to mine. i forgot the meeting and committed to meet her. the time came to leave the building and my cellular rang she wanted to know how long until i arrived... i realized i had set two meetings at the same time... so for an agonizing ten seconds i spoke stalling on the phone unable to decide kuz i had committed to the meeting but also committed to the interview finally i chose meeting a lady, even for an interview would be closer to fun than a meeting. i told her i would be by her soon kuz i was nearby and decided to walk to her interview instead of the meeting... suddenly i was at the meeting with many men... and i felt agony i had DECIDED already to go to the lady !! but i had not done my decision and now i was even further away i felt pain... (the first time in a long time that i felt PAIN in a dream. rarely i cry in a dream maybe 3 times in a year... or the common fear felt in dreams... but the frst time pain emotional AGONY for not doing my decision...) so i decided to lie to her that an emergency occurd but before i could call her by cellular, i heard gun shots and the manager of the meeting yeld to run near him, to tell me three secret words that i emphasized in my memeory the secret and then gunmen enterd the meeting and shot all around and the manager dropd dead... i did not feel pain nor sadness... nor fear actualy i have not felt fear during a dream in many years.
the gunmen demanded "reveal and say the secret or they will kill the last survivors in the room and more people in the building."
i believed the manager that the words were secret and stood silent. they fired guns killing everybody in the room except me kuz i had the info... if they kill me they will never know. then one went and brought at gunpoint more men into the room and said he would kill them unless i say the secret and i was silent so he shot them too.
finally i askd "if you kill me you will never know so will you torture me?" they said "we have different ways to get the secret and grabd my arm yanking it... which woke me from the dream.
when i awoke i realized hat i had never ever had that type of dream with that type of pain... ever of realizing i had DECIDED to go one place but went to another... and missing the commitment. the rare dreams when i cried in the dream were different from this pain and the crying was rare... maybe in a year i cry in dreams only three times.
i tried to comfort myself with happy memories... and UNLOKd an old compartment of memoies...
i thout back to the "kiss face" story. day after day i enjoyed the attention and symbolism that a girl with black short hair kissed my right cheek day after day saying remember me... and i did and do recall her face. her skin TAN like after many days at the beach. she kisd me in the room of the home-nursery [like the start of the video daddy daycare but a decent home nursery] ergo i must have been age two. i did not feel pleasure from the kisses but knew they symbolized her love that i enjoyed.
today i UNLOKD the background of that memory. this was the first kiss of my life later i would get my first lip kiss... involvng the opposite left cheek.
that girl liked me kuz we were the two toddlers FIRST to be "traind to control" our waste exit like adults.
the story was: the teacher with a hebrew title ! that i had not recalled for years, until today, had announced a huge fuss of honor for the first girl to be "trained" to ask to use a toilet. teacher praised and fussed and encouraged all six other kids to control and train like her and like adults.
i recalled my feeling of horror that i WAS wearing panties same as adults and the teacher only praised her. so after the big fuss and praise, i went to the teacher and said "i also dont need diapers" and the teacher said "you are a boy. boys are always older than girls when they first control."
i left her confused. then i decided on a plan! i lied to the teacher that i "need her help to unstick the diaper tape so i could sit on the potty."
she argued "just let it go, it is normal for boys to wait until older"
so i argued "but it is easier for you not to clean and change diapers."
she argued "she does not mind and that is her job for all seven kids."
i argued "but you SAID that we should be like her... so you were lying." then she agreed to escort me into the toilet room and i lied "i cant unstick the sticky tape myself so she opened my pants and saw the panty thin cloth and... what word for the sound? not exactly scream but a short shriek of surprise like a yelp. i was startled by her yelp... luckily i did not feel the pressure to drain or i may have let loose from her shrill high pitched yelp cry of surprise.
then i puld the panty down to the floor sat on the potty and let loose a jet of fluid. she gasped "i dont believe it," as she walked out from the room. i was surprised that she was surprised.
after she returned to watch me wash my hands with soap and water she sat me and the queen at a separate table to motivate the other girls to train and control their waste and get the honor we had... she was the girl that kiss-cheek me. the first girl to be trained.
day after day she kissd my right cheek and said remember me.
at lunch we sat at a table just us two. but the other toddlers not ready for panties i mean thin cloth, not absorbant thick cloth, sat separate.
one new detail that i never remembered until tday...
after many days when she simply believed the teacher, she said she wants to see that i dont wear "absorbant" i said "i wear cloth not plastic" she argued no PROOF kuz cloth-diapers are thick but still cloth and still diapers.
so i immediately and shamelessly even proudly yanked down my thick dark pants and proudly showed my white brifs... she asked why is the cloth "missing" so as i yankd up the thick dark pants i explained the cloth is like curtains to pull apart aside... same as yours" she then grabd my left hand and pressed it against her dark green dress on her side so i could feel her thin fabric under her dress "see it is thin not absorbant".
we continued day after day, to sit together, the only two kids at the adult table... a low table for the kids "trained like adults" but the other 3 boys and two girls never "graduated" to our low adult table by the end of the school year in nursery.
so that is the story of how we were together with the "common first" for toddlers in the group for control. and she was the girl that first kisd me ever, a kiss on the cheek day after day.
so that is the new memeory i unlokd adding to the later stories:
later i would have a blond girl frend that was easier to remember. the one who shared the round cookies and hugd me day after day...
the one who taught me the bodily difference between a girl and boy kuz i thout girls were same shape...
and in one of the hugs i taught her how to use her leg to feel i was a boy. but we hugd every day and she shared her round cookies day after day.
on the first day after we hugd, 3 brats chanted at me "you have a girlfrend you have a girlfriend" i argued "HAVE" like sonething good so one of the three said "like having a stain" and i felt different but she heard and the next day during the hug she explained that rich wealthy people have fancy cars and big mansions so i am different like the wealthy kuz i have a girl frend.
i knew in society blond was considered best... so i did not tell her i thought he fface looked ugy nor that i dont like blond hair i just enjoyed the attention from her... until i broke her heart on the day of the pillow story.
later a different girl was my girl frend and she shared animal shaped cookies.
now i see a pattern. all three girls: cookie, pillow, cookie, were "caring for my pity" first no snack at snack time so round-cookie girl hugd me and shared her cookie. then pillow girl who traded her pillow for my rough coarse pillow and third animal shape cookie girl who felt pity that the teacher gave me "broken animals" different than the others so she brought animal cookies from home and gave me two and if i read a book to her gave me more.
***the BIBLICAL child
after nursery, i went to the all boys pre-school which led to me being "jacob with his four wives" kus i was shorter:
the first girl was lip-kiss grabbing my left cheek with her hand to kiss my lips the first lip kiss ever in my life was with that six year old girl. who heard about me by the abraham club. she told other girs that my shortness was a benefit so i got three more wives for intimacy, kus they enjoyed using their slot at age six, and repeated many weeks, when the parents napd, on saturday no job, we met in new york near 240 street, and i was jacob with his ffour wives: lip-kiss, shy hebrew, pinch and top. we were all minors so free from society law about intimacy. they were age six and i was age five and shorter than other boys age 5 so these "older girls" tried and liked.
lip kiss was the first girl to invite me to use her slot. obviously the three year olds only kissd or hugd as above... before six they dont use slots yet... in contrast to the stories that the rabbis taught us when i was five.
i replied "i dont know what to do" so she said "only lie face up" then she did all the action, sliding down from my knees to plug-in the tube in the slot. she told other girls it was pleasant so they wanted too.
the shy girl, who stood silently, until lip said "say what you wanna say" and i said "whisper in my ear." but instead she said in hebrew the phrase in hebrew from the story of josef so my shortness benefitted me extra pleasure.
third i met pinch. she threatend she would pinch me if i did not do the same pleasure as the other to her too. later adding top girl the one who insisted i be on top in contrast to the other three i was on the floor face up.
we met once each week for several weeks until after many repeats... indicating they enjoyed and did not regret, three girls were satisfied and stopd. only pinch demanded "i want i will pinch you if you dont" do the pleasure plug.
then the "flower club" interrupted my plug fun.
my parents insisted that on saturday i go to the "flower club." i walked with two brats that i recall and two more that i cannot remember and this group of five brats walked together the mile to the club house. for the flower club.
we walked up a hill which was difficult for me and as we reached a certain intersection i noticed that on the side, the street that was not steep was "along" parallel.. this would be significant later. i tried to point this out but they ignored me and said a sixth kid lives here so we knocked on his door... but he did not wanna come.
we reached the club house and the brats were wild rnning around and the club leader called counselor shouted at them to sit and listen to the story but they ignored him and i left early to walk toward home... then i met the christian family...
different than i wrote in the past more details:
on the way home i stopd at the home of the sixth kid who i met that day and therefore recognized from school. i knew he was home as above he did not join us. he said he did not wanna play with me.
his lil sister not named sara came and said that i should be upset that he was mean to me and rejected me. sara invited me to play with her at a neighbor house. sara's parents were asleep napping on saturday so they did not know that she went to a christian nebbir.
the nebbirs were getting out of the car as i recalld and wrote elsewhere and she introduced me to her nebbir and the three of us sat at a table with dad. he was watching and reading a book while two girls and a boy me played at the table.
the next week i told the flower goup NOT to walk up the steep hill since the other flat road led the same place. they said they would race and see who got their first. i thout the uphill climb would slow them... i ran along the flat roaad while they ran uphill i was soon out breath and walked. i reached the intersection and did not see them so i went to the christian home.
the two girls were playing alone at the table so i joined their game. an hour later, pinch girl came too... she wanted me and had asked around where i was and sara said i played with her and her nebbir.
she said that she missed me. why did i leave her? that i deserved a pinch and she pinched me on the tube which felt good and warnd she would pinch HARDER if we did not plug same as in the past. sara shrieked in panic... when she heard that this girl used her slot at age six... clearly in horror... not crying but horrified, sara ran home.
then pinch told the girl, not named jeesusa, that it was pleasant... kuz i was short. she should try it too. so i had two wives... at the time i did not count the jesus one as a wife so i was more like isac with one wife rebka and a concubine like abraham and hagar but not two concubines like abraham and ktura those were my thouts at that age five and despite my surprise that they enjoyed it long before pregnancy age i thought of the story of rebeka age THREE according to the "holy" rabbis...
we repeated for a few weeks while my parents thout i was at the flower clubhouse. this repeated a few weeks until pinch stopd visiting [her parents probly did not let her go to a christian]. jesusa said she should only play with girls... so THAT week her parents offered to drive me home on THAT day but i said my parents forbid cars so i stayed at their house many hours... i read some of their short picture kid-books while jeesusa went to bring sara and the two girls played at the table.
by prayer time they drove me to... the prayer building [not home at dark that was a separate memory] where i rejoined my pa and lied that "i stayed long at the flower club." luckily he wasnot listening.
so that ended my multi wife until third grade again i was like jacob but not four just the detail that jacob had two SISTERS as wives. so in my childhood of pain and neglect and bullying for being shorter... my shortness led to pleasure with "older" girls.
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