Tuesday, June 29, 2021

abortion stats

abortion stats 
from several websites
1, china most abortions see below.
2, highest rate? greenland has a small population. its rate of abortion in 2017 was OVER 50 percent, more than half... only 49.5% of pregnancies were not aborted. other countries with small population bulgaria 31% abortion rate and some of its neighbor countries in that region have higher rates. CHINA population is huge so even a huge number of abrtions seems a lower rate than bulgaria. year 2015 china population then 1406m. abortion 9.2m. that 9.2m each year seems small relative to the population 0.7% yet is more, annually, than the total population of a small country like israel.  later in 2017 china had even more abortions  around 23m abortions so 28% of pregnancies and also more forced sterilizations... claimed for the "benefit of the many. the rate  28% is less than bulgaria because bulgaria has less total births and far fewer population.
russia and u.s. had similar totals 1.2m abortions in 2015. so rate in u.s. lower than russia.
russia popuation 2015: 145m so rate 0.8% of population. but u.s. more people so rate half 0.4%. planned parenthood in u.s. alone, aborts more than each japan and france! 100,000 more abortions than each.
in the top five countries: india 0.6m abortions among huge population. mahabarta specified that killing a fetus is a severe sin which may impact the decision.
last of the top 5 vietnam 0.3m abortions in 2015 coinciding 0.3% population.
these two of the TOP five most abortions together are less than "planned parenthood international"... both 4+5 together combined.
for the debate see:
there.

Monday, June 28, 2021

sbasjin's vagariuos-vacation +rhyme

sbasjin's vagarius-vacation
note vagary is eccentric.
a teen named sbasjin  "split" sobil knew he had emotional difficulties. his parents gave up hope of getting him out of bed in the morning... for school. sure they HAD tried, yelling shaking pulling, in the past, but nothing worked. also they knew that they cannot hit him the way they would hit a "mule" who would not pull a plow.... that would iinjure him and they would get caught.... stupid modern society. so they were powerless and sbasjin missed the first classes of school... day after day. 
at first pa and ma accused him of being lazy... which had no effect until the afternoon when he returned from school and   "proved" look at my high scores in the classes i attend".  pa was impressd and conceded that proves he is not lazy.... but if so why cant open his eyes in the morning. ma insisted "i do not need to admit i was wrong" and continued calling him lazy until she too saw no change.
they confessed to each other that they wished that they could hit him kuz that would compel him to get out of bed and go to school... but knew they would get caught.
to make matters  worse sbasjin refused to go  to the general doctor for checkups. he argued that doctors were only for when you are ill not checkups that is just a CAPITALISTIC trick to take away your  money. his parents argued "it is our money and we wanna spend it on your doctor." he argued "pay the doctor! but i am  not going." once they bothered to drive him to an apartment building that did not look like a clinic but whe he saw the doc sign... he started shouting "you filthy scum trying to trick me! i should break the windows of your car! lets see you pay for that!" pa kept to himself that his son had good reason to be angry and also thout that the explosion was from his wifes manic-sad. what a tuf kid and he was only fourteen years old.
sbasjin had contnued: "and when i WAS sick and coughing that was when you abandoned me! i needed the doc then and said take me then.... but YOU would not get off the phone talking and talking as i lay in bed weak and coughing i felt so weak i was scared of dying and then i wanted a doc but you like talking too much. dad had blurted out, in the corridor "i was not home yet from work, when you had ever,  so dont blame me." ma exploded "blame? he was just coughing what the big deal!" dad took his sons side "honey you do talk too much sweety." she exploded with accusations at dad who squinted at the accusations and stood silent for her angry rant.
at one point she yelld "answer me you are ignoring me." pa stood silet and squinted she began repeating in frustration "dont just stand there, answer me, answer me answer me answer me." finally pa raised his hand and said "you do talk too much." ma had stormed out of the building to take a taxi home. the boys had walked to the car and dad had repeated "i know you had fever that day. i apologize for her."
ever since that trick, he had not been ill and refused to go for capitalistic checkups claiming "you can pay a doc when YOU are not ill but i will not cooperate."
the year passd as sbasjin missed one or two classes each morning. finally the last day of school arrived and vacation would begin. the prinicipal called in sbasjin. "well well well. i just saw your report card of grades". s' nodded. your attendance in three classes is not enuf to advance to ninth grade.
s' protested "three? i only got one f!--well attendance is also a factor. so you will stay in 8th= -|th grade.--divide the courses! i can advance in the ones i passed.--nope we wont do that--so i repeat the one i succeeded?" askd split incrdelously.  the principal frowned and realized the policy was stupid but hey he did not make the policy. sbastion had another suggestion "shift my classses so the ones i passed are in the morning.--i dont care about the schedule. i wont change anything. you come every morning or else." s' thout quickly and said "as you wish." the principal protested "dont blame me, i agree the policy is stupid but i am only the principal."  s' ignored him and left. 
s' was furious he would be expected to repeat the school next year and probly miss the SAME morning classes again! in mornings he simply could not open his eyes. well no point trying in school anymore. a voice came from behind "sbasjin! get back in here!--why? you said what you had to say?--kuz you never said why are you late? dont party late!-- i dont party late! i lay to sleep at eleven, which should be seven hours sleep but i do not fall asleep and in the morning i feel too weak to open my eyes--WEAK?? exclaimed the principal, "that could be depression you need serotonin drugs.--but i am not ill! i dont want any stupid capitalist drugs--kid you DO have syptoms now don be shy about your condition and get treatment."
s' sighed. as he walked out from the office to the school bus, principal pete paxtin phoned s's pa at work. pa argued "no school anyway we can let him sleep--not if it is caused by brain chemicals."insisted paxtin.
dad phoned a private psychiatrist and asked if he could just get a prescription. "usually i dont do that but your wife told me about your son. let me ask him a  few questions--send me the form to my app and i will send it to him." a few beeps later s' was typing the answer to the questions of the form as he rode the bus home. dad got the copy and zapd it to the shrink. the shrink glanced at the replies and wrote back to p, "try "x" and the photo prescription. pa drove to the pharmacy and by the time the bus brought s' home the drug was there.
pa echoed the pharmacist, "take one in the morning with breakfast--that is stupid. i dont eat breakfast til ten!--then take some bread in a bag to bed, and in the morning the pill will be by your pillow to overcome the depression.--whatever." s' moand.
as usual s' skipd dinner claiming he was "still full from lunch". s' had no appetite and he had not really eaten his lunch!  the green pepper always tatsed bitter to him, the bread and jelly was too sweet and somehow soggy he just threw it out.  almost every day. now he felt gross too. he just went to his bed, switched on a ceiling fan and lay with his eyes shut. pa brought a bag with a slice of bread and the plastic bubbles with pills.
s' got out of bed and said i dont want crumbs in my sheets pa thout the bag prevented that but did not argue. s' laid them on the desk and lay down on the bed and shut his eyes. s' had reason to feel sad all his efforts for school was wasted now that he had to repeat class. well he certainly would not. he simply would not go. but he could not stay here... he would find a place to hide.
soon s' was dreaming. he saw a lady with blond hair and huge bumps in her shirt. he did not even see the color of the shirt all he saw was the bumps huge like a pair of footballs... not european but the pointy footballs. just as quickly he heard his alarm beep. and looked to see 7:30. s' moaned. he felt like he had not  slept but knew time to take the drug... but... he could not reach the desk! well he did not really feel like taking it anyway.
he did wanna practice balancing on one leg. that was a fun challenge and he set a time and tried to see how long and felt happy when he succeeded but now he did not even care to try and no school today it was vacation and for him the vacation would never end... he was not gonna keep repating school just kuz of stupid policy.
s' had doubts: what should i do first? maybe i should do the fun challenge first? balance? his mind argued: "i can do that later... no i cant! the summer will be too hot! sbasjin "found himself jumping out from bed".... he recalled that this never happened before. but now that he was free from school... he did not feel the heaviness that he usually felt.
insted of bread with the pill he could make oatmeal... that was instant. he could flavor it with syrup of fruit jel or peanut butter... he was not sure which.
s' ran from his bed room and around the corner to the kitchen. it was empty. his parents were not there... they had left for work without trying to wake him! the time showed 9 am. OH NO! s' added a cuss word too... soon it will be too hot to exercise.
he grabbed a packet of instant oatmeal and ripd it open and poured the oats in a bowl. then he went to boil the water in the "quik boiler" but his body puld him back. he heard voices in his head shouting "you did not take your pill yet! go to your room and take your pill" his body startiing walking back to his room... and he recalled he cant take the pill until the oatmeal is ready and he had not switched on the boiler! another voice shouted "first do the exercise before it gets hot." a third voice shouted a different idea "you cant exercise in pyjama you will get too sweaty!" the "audience"doubted what to do first and the argument raged as sbasjin wandered to his bedroom... would he change clothing there or to take the pill or to exercise... he doubted what to do first!
he yankd off his pyjama shirt so he would not feel hot but stared confused at his clothing. what should he wear for exercise? he could wear shorts but maybe if he wore two layers briefs and shorts he would sweat too much! maybe he should wear a bathing suit less layers!
while he considered that, his legs carried him back to the kitchen to start the water boiling... he had not switched on the boiler... he could dress while the oatmeal soaked. the voice urged him "you gotta take the drug in the morning! recall how you felt when you first awoke!" sbasjin tryd to recall and felt confused: how he exited bed?? who had pulled him from bed? but he needs food for the pill. the voices shouted "you only took off your shirt. walking around with long pyjama pants in the summer will make you sweaty." the nerd noticed that sometimes the voices said "i and sometimes you". who was shouting in his head??
as he reached the boiler his hand hesitated by the switch. he had bread in his room! he coulda eaten the bread with the drug. immediately! instead of walking back and forth several times and he had not changed  from his pyjama to the shorts for exercies either. in fact the alking was making him feel hot.
anyway better to have the oatmeal for lunch! so he did not switch on the electric boiler pot. he walked back to the room... again... and felt hot from walking back and forth. the heat reminded him to hurry... he had not started exercising yet, he needed to start exercising before the heat increased, and he had awoke after nine. and he must wait tile he changed clothes... "but you did not take your pill" another voice shouted.
all the walking back and forth to the kitchen was also heating him up and the pyjama pants were hot too, he had to pull them off but what would he wear insted. again he walked to the closet... passing the pill which he had not taken... he must rush to exercise before the heat increased and he could not wear layers.... as he walked to the desk confused what to do first... take the  pill or dress for exercise? he must dress before exercise. so back to the clothing but he had not taken the pill! back to the desk... the "audience" heard the voices arguing, each pushing his body a different direction and "he" did not know who was right? maybe the  pill should be first but he felt hot already and dressing would take time...
sbasjin grabd a swim suit and swapd the pyjama pants off for the swim suit. and finally recald the bread and the pill. he jamd the bread into his mouth and chewd impatiently. the bread felt gross, and had no taste and he had no apetite despite skipping lunch and supper yeasterday.bread had almost no taste and the bread taste was hollow. as he gagd down the bread he followd it with the pill... he saw almost an hour had passed! yikes!
he had been wandering from room to room confused for so long. finally he had switched clothing and swallowed the pill and he could start exercising. he did the warm up but felt very thirsty. 
 just stretching made him feel so hot! he glugged a tall glass of water and saw the bread must be soaking his liquid. he stretched some more then started to stand on one leg. that was a challenge he would try to see how long he could stand. as he stood he started swaying. his leg could not support him. that was the challenge! he counted as long as he could and tried to break his record to stand long... before needing to lean on the second foot. finally he was doing the exercise... that he had wanted to do since leaving bed, but coud not do kuz he had needed to change clothing first! and that was delayed by wandering... kuz he wanted the pill first...
the pill started making him feel dizzy and nauseas... it must be the pill he never felt dizzy from balancing. he grabd the packet and read the paper and found the side effects including dry mouth.
soon he felt so dizzy he had to sit. the nausea intensified as he sat by his desk reading the paper about side effects... he regreeted taking the pill that made his feel so gross... in fact he had left bed easily today! he was not depressed somehow? how had he left bad?
yet still it had been late at 9! he set an alarm and pland: tmoro the bread in a bag would prevent crumbs by his pillow. he would take the drug in bed instead of waiting. but if the drug made him dizzy when would he do the exercise? hw must hurry before the drug dissolves inside! why had he not prepared clothing? he always prepd his cothing the night before... ah due to no school he had not botherd. well for the sake of exercise he would need to prepare clothing for tmoro so this did not repeat. or.... he could just swap into his bathing shorts as soon as he swallowed the pill yes that was the solution. he put the shorts by his bed. put the bag with the bread and bubble-pak of pills beside his pillow and decided tomorrow would be better... then his stomach churned and he felt like he was gonna vomit... he lay on the floor... what a shame if the pill came out afte he finally started taking the pill... sbasjin lay on the floor as the room seemd to spin. he felt hungry and thirsty at the same time. he recallled that he HAD drunk the tall glass yet his lips were dry must be a side effect of the pill. he felt the room spin and his stomach churned he was lying down the same as if he HAD NOT taken the white tablet! but at least he had exercised and had tried to stand on his foot. he lay hoping that tmorow he would be more organized. he struggled to keep his stomach from emptying and waited for the dizziness and nausea to pass.... but it dragd on and dragd on... was there really any difference between being too depressd to leave bed.... than being too nauseas to stand? 
sbasjin felt hopeless so he just waited and waited and waited ... finally his parents came home and shouted "split we are home" kuz that was his nickname. split thout that perhaps he wanderd around due to his split personality pulling him in different directions. if he was simply undecided he woulda stood in one lace but the personality had each dragd him to do different stuff and interrupted the other.
split yeld from his room "i am out a bed." ma ran and opend the door "get off the floor you always sleep late" pa protested "he IS out from bed--it doesnt matter he is just too lazy. why are you wearing swim shorts?? whined ma in an exasperated tone, "just be glad he made it outa bed." pa said noticing the empty bag that he had put on the desk with bread and commented "i see you ate the bread--with the pill and now i am gonna vomit" moand split. his parents started arguing about side effects and faking. split moand "could you take your argument somewhere else." pa walked away ma glared at each "man child". then hissed "get up off the floor!". split ignored her and pa yeld back "dont you have ears? he said he is dizzy--he is faking and lazy, same as every day--actually no school today" commented pa. "well he cant just lay all day--i wont" replied split. ma repeated "look at you laying on the floor all day." pa returned and said "stop annnoying him. there are many hours in the day lets see what happens--no he has to get up!-- honey that is you compulsiveness. read the side effects of the pill--what pill? he does not need pills he needs to stop being lazy. he needs a whipping that is what he needs. 
ma lost her temper and kicked sbasjin's arm...
pa grabd her and puld her away and said "i was waiting for this for years". he tied her arms with a shirt and pulled her to a doorknob where he tied the shirt to a door knobe very tightly. she yanked and yanked.
pa called the cops and simply told the truth "my wife got mad and kicked my son she is hysterical and dangerous. perhaps she needs a night at a mental hospital too." then pa stared at his family... all mentally ill... poor kid had a double dose... ma's manic-hysteria with his anxiety... pa started sweating. his heart accelerated as he waited for the cops.... for no reason they were both subdued... sbasjin waited on the floor moaning. pa waited pacing. the cops did not arrive for an hour and the wait was agonizing. pa popd some of his pills as ma yankd on her "leash" and sobd. sbasjin just lay on the floor moaning and clutching his stomach. he was clearly gagging and struggling to keep the pill in his stomik. dad thout "what a pathetic nerd" but hurrried to bring pillows from his bed, and wife's pair too. plus the two that sbasjin had requested he piled the pillows under splits head. he warned ma "the more you shout the more their gona think you lost your mind" ma sobd hystericly and even babbled. by the time the cops came with the ambulance escort, the doc's decided to inject her and take her for a week. pa assured them "we are all taking pills but hers are not working today." 
the cops took the report of the kick one mutterd "kicking a mentally ill teen." emphasizing some violence is even worse than kicking. "we will covince the judge to  put her way a long time." pa tried to hide his smile but could not... finally some quiet and privacy. he glanced at his son moaning and felt comfort that sbasjin had not seen him grin. pa shouted to the docs "what should i give him for nausea?" as they draged ma out the door, they said "try dry crackers". pa saw there were none in the pantry! so he told split that he would buy some salt crackers. split said "my lips are so dry. crackers would make me dryer. do not bother." pa stood helplessly as his kid suffered... he recalled when he himself had started his drugs... and reassured split that in a few weeks the effects would be less. "WEEKS" exploded sbasjin in horror! 
pa fled the room and ran to the kitchen to make lunch... the best balance would be toast and iced tea. and that is what pa started to prepare for lunch... pa mixed the iced tea "crystals" in cold water from the pipe on the frij door. he brout the glass to split. split moaned and said "my stomach feels so swollen" but he sipped and soon started sucking it in! "wow please another" gaspd split. so pa made a refil and delivered it. 
he thout about his wife finally getting the care she needed at a mental hospital surely they would see the symptoms of hysteria and even manic-fury that he saw... ever since  sbasjin ws born... luckily his problems were different... but poor sbasjin had probly inherited mental illness from each of them... poor kid. pa started to doubt "maybe i should never have married" hmm... he puffed out.  he returned to the kitchen saw a bowl with dry oatmeal powder. pa wonderd which mental patient had started to make oatmeal and then ran away?? was it me?? 
___
the end
+ a rhyme:
a worrying teen in nantucket
wished his ill ma, would not kick the bucket
he gave her thik soks
and some expert docs...
when they faild,
he cussed "oh fukk it."

joke: when pa aged and shrunk, his end was near also his end was actually nearer


abortion debate

i never knew the two sides of the abortion debate. all my attempts to talk about two sides people went hysterical.
now i decided i must use the internet to learn both sides.
the side pro choice had words.... that lacked any cause to act... at all... nor any cause to kill the fetus or even justify. words such as "parents rarely give a kid for adoption so an unwanted baby has no option for that" as if that justifies killing the fetus?? it is not "unable" just kuz "rare" even rare STILL still able and less evil than killing. claim after claim lacked "reasoning to justify" killing. or even allow not interfere.
one guy wrote "imagine YOU were in a situation like the lady. you discover somebody attached to you "needing your kidney to live"  you did not want a stranger attached and using YOUR body... kidneys for their blood.... you would unplug the stranger to die" claims the book, wait does that make the action  good proper or MORAL just kuz people are tempted by selfishness??
the fetus is A SON/DAUGHTER in family their own child, not a stranger and inside not hooked on the outside. 
or the argument "when does an acorn change into a tree" as a distraction to stop talking about a fetus well a fetus is neither a tree nor an acorn and i can cut a tree! a fetus is not a tree! just distracting from the fetus.
or the argument "in labs they toss fertilized eggs" as if that proves a fetus attached in ma is the same?  that is a lazy comparison lacking "reasoning and justification" for the lab situation? none. maybe same... having doubt in that situation has no influence "in lady" the fetus is attached matbe attached is more important to save than trying to attach a separate fertilized... and still that claim lacks reasoning for fetus lacks justification. after hearing both sides we see that society "morality" led them to kill millions of human fetuses  each year, in u.s. 1.2 million.... even more killing than savages did human sacrifice the only difference is more abortions than human sacrifices....
so Is abortion morally EVIL or harmful?
The topic abortion usually sparks strong emotions. rational dialog is almost
___Is abortion morally EVIL?
The topic abortion usually sparks strong emotions. rational dialog is almost impossible [in my experience, despite patient attempts and calm encouragement to present both sides]. on the list of "pro-choice" claims we can dismiss two [which are not the main ones anyway] very simply. one weak claim "abortion is safe for the mother" this does not mean safe for the fetus. many crimes such as kicking a pet dog are "safe for the mother" and also not justify the action. so we can dismiss that and similar "unrelated" claims. the other unrelated claim is: when we consider that abortion clinics do not LIMIT abortions to instances of rape, that fact indicates that they are not "employing the justification" about the "rape victim argument" which does not extend BEYOND rape victims. so that is not truly the justification for abortion in any instance besides rape victims, therefore that claim does not belong on the list. so we analyze the first three on the pro-choice list.

Saturday, June 26, 2021

happy days june 26-july 1

 tmoro, date 27, happy anniversary!  Aquaman wed Mera [golden age] famous in comic 1941

soon happy birthday dobby... um for dobby. BIRTHDAY  June 28 [DEATH March, 1998]

next indiana jones h.b. on July 1.


Tuesday, June 22, 2021

secret intimacy

secret intimacy
he sat in a dormitory on a bed. kyle sat on another bed. 
kyle asked me which city was i from which sports team did  i like and he told me about his. while we were talking about sports a strange new urge emerged. he felt an urge to squeeze his own inflated male tube which was unusual considering we were talking about sports. i was too ashamed to touch my secret place while kyle would see and i squirmed as i struggled to stay in control of my urge to squeeze.
note: the next drama is important for the dramatic elements as well as background for the shocking revelation later.
the struggle intensified to resist the increasing urge yet i did not want him to see... finally the time came to leave for prayers. k' left the dorm room on time to go to the prayer chamber but i finally had no eyes on me. i pressed back on the pressure of my tube and felt a new sensation. something was moving inside somehwere under the surface. i had never felt that before and realized that was the maturity six years too late and way later than the other kids [who he had saved from the sin of onan when they were nine, not age 8 like butters in south park but nine and ten started. story in onan club post not here not now.]
who would save ME from the sin of onan! i was after 13 so i lacked the excuse of minor. if god killed onan what would happen to me? i had to resist... but lost control of my hands and pressed... the struggle was great as i tried why? to regain control but also to avoid sin. i could not keep my eyes open as the strain of the struggle drained all my strength. i pressed a bit but finally moved my hand away. victory one... but the urge was like a powerful wave and i lost control squeezing again... i felt sad that i could not choose... i was too weak to open my eyes as the wave of urge controld my hands and i squeezed until i did the sin of onan. at least i had struggled. surely i deserved credit for resisting the sin. 
for every moment that i wanted to sin and could sin and had the opportunity and resisted each moment was a holy victory... and even when i had succumbed and squeezed i had even interrupted and separated from sin... that was surely a good deed even if in the end i lost the battle.
well now i had to change out from wet briefs... but what should i do with the wet ones? this never happened before and i had no ideas what to do?
i put them in the net laundry bag so air could get to it and shoved the net under my bed n the dorm. that must have been a tusday. the following two days i was sad that i did not have control of my own hands. people told me "you look like a tragedy happened. what happened?" i said "oh something embarrassing i cant say. "
the sadness and depression did NOT cause a new urge as some theorize. however each day the limbs produced new seed... and thursday afternoon the urge came to empty the tubes.... not the urge to sleep with a woman... that was a different urge but an urge to squeeze until the tubes were empty. i struggled. i interrupted my study to walk around. friday morning the urge grew more intense... i was horrified because i considered if i really needed to emty the tube it coulda happened like the books say while i slept yet i awoke dry even after the urge. all day fridy was agony... from the hunger in the morning for food... even when i ate two bowls of dry grain rings i soon felt hunger less than an hour later. the intense urge to squeeze until the tube emptied... was very powerful and i could not think about the books i was obligated to study.
i sat in the twelfth grade class room when the rabbi lectured and the urge was too powerful. a healthy teen would have left the class room and emptied the tube in the toilet same as yellow waste liquid but i believed i deserved the punishment of onan if i would do that... i was not thinking about ladies... just the urge to squeeze until the tube emptied. the struggle was intense as i felt the hunger in my stomach and the physical urge and my eyes shut from the strain... i gripd the edge of a desk so i would not lose control of my hands as i had a few days before... i lasted as long as i could... perhaps thirty agonizing seconds? i stood and walked between the desks out of the room... i knew i lost the battle. in the future i knew hopeless no option store the liquid inside tubes. i walked sadly along the corridor realizing i lost the battle again... luckily the walking helped the sensation. i headed for the sports chamber and tried to run around the sides of the gym. my shoes dug into my ankles-skin. each step of "jogging" was a painful jog of my joints. i had never run in a long long time. so i walked but walking did not soothe the urge i had to run... and i felt so hungry but lunch would not be served until after the class i was skipping! and lunch on friday was the old food left from previous days i could not eat that old food! the urge returned as i walked fast around and around the gym in agony from hunger and the struggle to control my hands. around and around... i collapsed on the floor and sat on my hands and shut my eyes as a wave of urge controlled me. my eyes shut from the strain of the struggle i had no strength to move or struggle... finally noises... students were coming to play basketball during the lunch break the noise awoke me from my trance and  i walked to the meal chamber. i looked at the gross leftovers old food and struggled with my hunger. the food was old and looked gross... despite my hunger i would not put that stuff in. i would simply use my overweight fat storage. i returned to the study chamber and lay my head on a table and passed out.
when i awoke i was FURIOUS i had slept and despite needing to empty the tube i had again awoke dry. i was certain that in the shower i would lose control... i would earn the death penalty of onan... but worse than that fear, was the horror that i was not in control. even if onan would be a small sin still i would want to choose if i do the small sin or not but insted i was in agony and losing control.
i went to shower early and stay focusd on cleanliness not squeezing and barely resisted the urge in the shower.
next i dressed fancy  clothing for the jew sabbath.
i hoped that i could last until night maybe maybe at night i would have the thing books called a wet dream and awake released... i could only hope. sunset but light remained. everyone read their prayers the healthy kids probably chose to squeeze until their tubes emptied but i had problems i did not want to do the sin of onan... the urge was so strong i could not think about the prayers... study time i gazed eyes glazed at a book that i could not read... in a daze... finally meal time. bread and soup. but that did not help niether the hunger nor the urge. i had problems... bread in my stomach did not calm the hunger for food after a day of hunger and of emotional struggle.
i should just give up... i left the meal chamber after the soup and went out into the january winter air walking in the winter air felt better... the decision that i would squeeze was enough and the urgency switched off. so i returned to the meal chamber for the next course some chicken leg.
i still had a few more hours to fill until sleep time, what would i do? i hoped that when i slept i would have a wet dream and tried to study but my mind could not think about aything besides the urge to squeeze. i gazed again dazed and glazed... as the minutes stretched...
finally they served the winter stew. but for me that barley and potato was like bread i would feel just as hungry after it. i surrendered and went to the dorm early collapsed into bed.
the urge returned while face up on the soft mattress but i was ashamed my room mates would see where my hands went. i should just give up and go to a stall and squeeze... but i had hope maybe if i could just fall asleep then in a dream... the book said that happens.... boys have wet dreams releasing the fluid...  all my effort went to keepin my hands on the sheet... suddenly i awoke from noise the clang of banging on metal doors to wake us for prayers in the light of the morning... i was FURIOUS at my body i had awoke dry... after all that agony... if i truly needed to empty i coulda emptied in sleep like healthy boys but no... no wet dream just another day of agony ahead... i was devastated and hopeless. i dressed in expensive suits which i hated and walked to the prayer chamber and started reading some hebrew psalms but the urge was so powerful i just gazed in a daze at the words... the agony stretched hour after hour and only five minutes had passed on my digital watch... i could not bear the wait. again i went to the sports chamber and walked around and around the basketball court but the clock would not budge.
 they would be busy reading for at least another hour but i could not read nor anything... and i felt so hungry despite the chicken from last night... no food until after the long prayers i had plenty of fat for skipping meals but the agony of hunger and emotional strain was scraping away at me...  i moved around and around the gym five cycles in less than five minutes... i stopped counting and just walked and walked the gym seemed too small i had to walk outside in the cold january winter wind. i walked across the campus passing building after building, in a daze i must have been a "drunk" from raging hormones... i left the campus and walked along a street. only house after house. after five minutes in one direction i turned back and walked for ten minutes until i found a park.
*****
 i did not know that this park would lead to my freedom.
a pair of dresses were giggling... one girl looked young maybe six years old. her older sister was watching her while standing in the park they talked about something and giglled. i entered the park and walked along a paved cement path. i followed the path around the park and it led me near the pair of dresses... as i passed not talking to strangers i heard a voice "hey you look cute" like sweet and gentle.
i looked up at the sound and saw the older sister facing me. what should i say? she did not ask any question... so what should i say? she had said something nice i should say thank you "th-th-thank you" i stammerd at the strangers. i kept walking until an idea occurd to me... what if she initiated the talk to flirt?? i turned back and said "i also could not stay indoors all day." 
the younger girl not named lucy asked "do you live around here?--not realy. i study in the school a few minutes away and sleep in a dorm most of the year." the older girl not named patty argued "that means it IS your home you live their all month long." i agreed "i guess so and MOST of the year should define it.--wadya study at the school, bible? asked lucy. "nope i study other religious books almost all day.--we could tell from your hat" explained pat. my turn "what grades are you in?" pat said "i graduated last june and she is in third grade." i was surprised i thought lucy looked younger. "which books do you read for fun?" i asked.  pat answered "i read mostly kids books so i can talk about them with lucy." then lucy said "we should invite him to have some hot choklit" i almost fainted in shock... how the h@$% were they trusting a total stranger man?? in our society of horrible predators?? i had not yet seen the video where pretty girls lure the men to a building where the boss locks the men in prison and sells their american passports claiming they never came to this hotel.
didnt they know? they are not supposed to talk to strangers?? i guessed lucy relied on pat garding her and pat must be a ninja in karate or kungfu if she dared to talk with a stranger. at the time i did not think they were relying on the good stereotype that holy students are not violent people... but every school has its "rotten apples".
i was delighted that i could pass my hours with new friends instead of walking n endless circles to pass the time until sleeping.
we walked to their apartment building. i asked lucy which book she was reading. lucy gushed with excitement about the story and the princess and the danger and adventure and the flying fairy.... i enjoyed hearing the detailed description.
we reached the door. "should i tell him the code?" asked lucy. pat answered "no way! you never tell the code to anybody. i will tell him the code kuz i can see he is decent." then she told me the code to press on the electric pad and despite my belief that using electricity was a sin on sabath i decided i had nothing to lose since already earning the death penalty yesterday... oops a few days before, in the sin of onan for which god killed onan.
i pressed the code on the electric pad. it unlocked the door. so i yanked it open and said "after you." lucy ran giggling inside and up the steps energetically. pat walked slowly and i asked "did you mean the hot cocoa thing?" i was incredulous.
"obviously! i even told you the code!" the lady answered almost exasperated. so i asked her what she liked about her sisters books. and she explained that she imagines that she is the magical flying fairy and is in the adventure. we walked together up the stairs. at the door was another keypad. pat said guess the code. i tapd the same sequence of numbers as the outer door but the lyt remained red. "reverse the order" so i tapd the sequence and the door clicked open. "after you" i repeated so lucy and pat enterd their home. "i assume your parents will be home soon." i said. pat explained "they are taking lucy to watch a high school soccer game." i replied "i have trouble sitting still for a sport event i once went to a baseball game..." pat interrupted "the tickets are sold out so no point debating that."
i grabd a chair in the kitchen and sat by a table. "which powder do you use for cocoa?" i asked. lucy replied "its called hot choklit not cocoa, you fat-ass!". well i was. pat ignored my question and grabbed a pot filled it with water from the sink and lit a fire on the stove. "i like your fancy suit" said pat. i replied sighing "my parents are idiots we are very poor and they spend money on expensive suits." lucy said "you were rich enuf to pay for the suit.--yeah but then none left for the food i like and the clothing i like." i was echoing my parents excuses since they already spent so much on expensive suits, which were annoying stiff and unjustifiable.
pat said "i love guys who rip on their parents. you should hear the arguments in THESE walls." lucy giggled "they argue about every little thing." by now pat had dumped generous spoons of powder into wide mugs. we waited for the water to boil. 
"what do you argue about?" i asked. pat started to answer "they want me to go to college but i hate the whole system." lucy interrupted "i can tell you wanna KI--I--I--SS him". "LUCY! shut u--u--p" she said in a tone of great annoyance. then she turned to me and winked.
i had not yet seen the series about the guy who wears fancy suits which attract the women despite his personality... in the series "how i met your mother", what was his name? barny! 
on the other hand she had said i was "cute" like gentle that differs from you look rich.
lucy added "they always tell her that they give her every opportunity like we will pay for college and we will pay for your wedding and complain that she [pat] does not cooperate.--exactly! i dont wanna go to college nor marry anyone that goes to church." i asked "why not?" pat explained "because i dont accept any of those ideas at church or any religion or any ism." i asked "are you atheist?--that is also an ism so no way." explained pat.
"what caused you to reject christianity?" i asked. pat said "the same reasons you reject it." the water started boiling and bubbling so pat grabbed a ladle and sloshed boiling water into the mugs and started stirring vigorously. "actually i never chose and do not know anything about religions." pat froze. lucy burst out laughing "wadya mean you dont know. you were not born YESTERDAY".
pat argued "surely you asked your parents why they dont celebrate christmas that is something easily notice-able.--true but they had no reasoning."
pat silently stird the liquid and insisted "still you do not ACCEPT ideas unless they have a good and firm foundation."
i had never heard that idea before. man i was ignorant.
"come and get it" pat sang in the common phrase so i went and got a mug and pat carefully gave lucy her mug. last pat sat.
the door buzzed open and in walked the parents. "sorry we were late. oh you found a student tutor." gushed mom, her flowing dark brown hair swinging. her black coat covered any pretty blouse. "he is just a student not my tutor" corrected pat. lucy teased "he is pat's lover!" pat shouted this time "LUCY! stop that! you know i hang out with lots of guys."
pa entered wearing his baseball cap of toronto blue jays... he adjusted his glasses and said "which creep did you bring home this time." ma protested "dear, you see he is from that jew school. it has a good reputation."
"well i know he certainly does not go to church." said pa in a tone of rejection. ma protested again "they are not dating. they are years apart in age so just relax dear." i told the truth... "we are talking over some hot choklit". lucy added a lot of milk into her mug and gulped hers quickly. ma asked "so whats your name cutie?" i replied my name is tal. pa asked "and what do you know about christianity?" i sipd my drink awkwardly and said "almost nothing.--well what DO you know?--i paused then said "i only know that rabbis tried to teach me false propaganda that i refuted. i dont know what is true." lucy protested "you are late we have to go to the soccer game."
"you better study that chapter with your tutor or else" urged pa as he straightened his basebll cap." parents and lucy left the house and thumped down the steps.
pat annonunced "lesson one sometimes ladies want seks." i echoed "sometimes teens want that but i heard ladies only want relationships with people they know." 
pat announced "that is lesson one. sometimes we just want a pleasant feeling and that is why i invited you today." i gulped... and said "i am gonna need many lessons i dont know what to do." pat moaned "you never did this all year?--not yet but i want to."
pat sighed "the guys in my school were active since ninth grade you look like tenth grade.--actually twelfth grade. and i revealed "i wanted that so strongly i needed to walk off campus."
pat was relieved "good. now we need 2 phases. first for you a quickie then a break and then for me. so its a fair exchange once for you and the second time for me after a break. understood?" i answered "i agree but far from understanding i mean you dont expect me to pay?" i sounded really dumb but had to ask. "wadya mean" she shot back. "like i heard men always pay for the opportunity.--that's what i thout you meant and that is the reason the first lesson... lesson one is sometimes a lady wants and then you... you are doing her the service. so we have an exchange. got it?--yes."
next i told her what i expectd to happen and she said "we can try that." then we did the type of stuff that i cant write about.  if you have any doubts about my minor consent in twelfth grade, do not forget i was desparate from the hours of friday and even the hours of that morning. 
i believed i cant squeeze myself out so i wanted this opportunity at least as much as she did. she taut me about condoms and the two phases. first for me. that was a relief.
next i flushed the condom away and soon lunch.
pat asked "do you know what a fling is?--nope--it means you just enjoy each other and dont think about the future. if you are disappointed its okay at least you tasted. if you like you continue.--i enjoyed" i said in a hopeful tone. she replied "i hope you will enjoy enough to come every sunday morning after my parents leave for church at time number bleep but if not, then we are doing a fling so i will find someone else got it?--yes.
"wadya eat for lunch?--pasta and tomato sauce" i replied. she squinted at me with a strange face i could not comprehend. then she said "i am in the mood of chinese how about you?--sorry but i am too poor to pay for any dating.--so you dont wanna buy me lunch?--sorry i only get thirty dollars a month and i did not bring even for myself.--you should see your face!" she concluded and burst out laughing.
"if i did not like you i woulda agreed to pasta! if i invite you to fancier that means i like you and i wanna be with you, get it?--now i get it!" i concluded.
"so the budget is fifty dollars for you get whatever you want. i am changing clothing and we will take a cab. i hope you will wear your suit jacket but i prefer bare head."
i thout "too bad i cant thank god for this... sin.... exactly what i needed on the day that i needed. and no annoying hat blowing off in the wind. "the wind would blow off a hat" i replied honestly.
i sipd my coco and she changed into a fancy dress and a silvery gray coat. soon she appeared her dress was long and puffy pale blue with matching shoes a different shade of pale blue. only a narrow stripe of dark blue socks shown. her blond hair was finally visible now that she doffd her green ski cap. i asked where a closet is for my hat. she said to hang it from the door hook so i did. she phoned a cab and we walked out as the door clikd lock behind us. i walked bareheaded which differs from the custom of orthodox jews. but honestly i hated that the wind blew the hats.
we stood by the glass door of her building and soon a cab came. pat ran ahead to the taxi and confirmed the company that she called and the price. i followed and after she entered in the back i entered and closed the door. the cab continued straight and away from the urban area to the luxurious area. 
the cab meter was active as he drove. i guessed toward east kuz we went under the north south expressway. we arrived at a fancy sprawling shopping center. one tall ground level very wide with rows of tables. the name of the restaurant in that shop center was golden dragon. in fancy red letters across a broad window. we enterd. a waittress with black hair that reached her shoulder greeted us. her eyes were very chinese. "pat!" the waitress gushed, "i did not believe that you would visit me at my job." they hugged. pat replied "i haven't seen you since graduation. meet the student tal." wu, for that was the name on her tag, wrapd her arms around me too... now... just a sec....  waitresses never do that and i had not been hugged by a real girl since... preschool 3 jeez. i was royally confused. i guessed she was just so excited to see patricia.
"can we sit in that corner?" asked pat. "i am pretty sure that is available. do you want tea with your jug of water?--yes and for him the appetizer of sum-dum-goy." urged pat. 
wu the waitress squinted her already very narrow eyes and said "do you mean dim-sum?--nope i mean sum-dum-goy for the student." wu burst out laffing. "so you found a nice jewish boy good for you" as she decoded the sound that she heard.
"sorry we dont have pork chow mein, we are trying to attract the jews from pepper pike." wu apologized to me. i was royally confused. it seem that jews orderd pork chow mein. is that what she meant? pat echoed "you should see your face!" and the two girls burst into giggles.
then wu hurried to get the drinks and menus so we walked to the table that pat chose. a dark corner. we sat facing each other on deep fluffy leather cushions. in a flash wu was at the tabe with a tray. she flipd the glass cups and added tiny tea cups. down came the glass jug of water. a mist of condensation coated the glass with a carving that must be a simple japanese character.
then a shiny metal cylinder of hot tea from leaves grown in china from native tea plants, as  wu specified. then wu lay the two thick narrow menus on the table by the glasses.
the "lunch combo" was 19 dollars but monday to friday. now was saturday. i thout about the budget. i jumped ahead to the main courses and saw 11$. so i looked at the appetizers to see. there were salads and dumplings and soups and "small" portions of stuff such as fish as an appetizer. i chose "crunchy minced beef balls and vegetable steamed dumplings" and told pat that i wanted two appetizers. "you are so sweet! dont worry about money just dont exagerate, get it?--yes, and what do you like to order here?--i like the sweet potato dumplings, now dont be shy add a main dish." pat specified. i saw the different chow meins and lomeins and saw no pork. so i told pat i chose zechuan beef with bamboo shoots and chestnut discs. pat said she was unsure between chicken chow mein and beef chow mein. 
"tell me how do you deal with your father?--wadya mean?--like he is very direct and... i cant say argumentative but something like that.--oh he is awful" started pat. then she clarified "he wants me to live at home until i get married and he thinks i am gonna marry the christian that he picks out for me. no way!".
i thout about that first part it sounded like a complaint yet that meant she was welcome? so i asked "do they ever tell you that you must go to college or you can't live with them"?"
pat's pretty eyes jumped open wide "the opposite they forbid to live separately kuz they dont want people to suspect that i bring men home." 
i was ready for an apt joke "hmm his strategy does not prevent flings." pat burst out laffing. "i hadn't thout of it that way. you have good timing!" wu was back. she changed her accent from what i had heard before "take a oldel prees". the two gals giggled.
finally wu recoverd and said "tal which appetizers do you want and dont say sumdum goy." the friends giggled again. i smiled at the strong relationship between them. the atmosphere felt really good. 
i told the two appetizers that i chose. wu then asked "patlisa, any aptizel?--not today i wont have time for jogging so no dumplings for me." i tried a joke "why dont you order that sum-smart-goy?" 
uh oh.
pat jerked her head, "did you just call me goy?--uh but smart?--you should see your face!" pat chuckled but wu looked worried.
pat then told wu she wanted zechuan beef with bamboo shoots and chestnut diks, oops i mean disks." the girls burst laffing again. i tried to be funny "i like her idea. also that main dish for me." wu explained it comes with two egg rolls and steamed rice. then she left.
i tried to return to understanding her situation. my bossy parents always threatened that i had to obey them kuz of religion or else they would kick me out of the house, like you cant live here unless you do it our way. then i was scared i cant find a place and pay my wn rent but she seemd to be the opposite.
i asked "so do your parents ever pressure you with a threat that you have to pay your own rent if you dont do whatever they say?--my pa is not THAT bad," explained pat, "he wants me to live with them to avoid rumors. he wants to pick the guy he wants me to marry and only if he goes to church. if i dont agree then he wont pay for a wedding but expeling me is the opposite. if i agree then i would be moving out but if i refuse then that is staying not moving out, get it?" 
i thout about that. yep compared to her bossy parents mine were far worse.
"i understand that you dont accept the idea of church.--exactly. the things they teach are just unbelievable. i dont accept it and i wont go to place where they teach based on a book that nobody dares to check." that what pat said.
i added some people would say "give me a reason why you dont accept.--that is just a trick! they ask what bothers you or annoys you... as a trick then they say well if something annoys you you are bias. or  say accept it unless you see a flaw or have a reason but that is not the correct method for accepting things. if i hear someone say the solar system has 32 planets i dont say "i accept it kuz why not? it does not bother me whether true or false so i accept and will repeat it to others. before i accept something i wanna know the basis why you claim 32 planets." she explained.
"so that is why you dont like isms and doctrines.--precisely. i am so relieved that you understand me. so many people just dont get it." she concluded. then she added "i really feel comfortable near you.--thanks, you are interesting to talk with.--thanks sweety." the lady told the young senior.
pat asked "i am surprised you are not thirsty--true i have not drunk since the coco--drunk she echoed giggling. i poured myself some water started to sip but my lips said no. why wasn't i thirsty? from waking up i had not drunk anything and instead exercied maybe kuz the cold outdoors resisted the cold water? but i did not feel cold i guess i should try some tea.
i poured from the shiny cylendar into the tiny "china" cups. "i like rhyming like from shiny to tiny." pat shrugd.
finally the food was ready in contrast to fast food this was cooked fresh and new. wu gave pat her beef and gave me my appetizers.
we ate silently which made me VERY happy. i hated trying to talk while i try to chew. pat was focusd on her beef and vej. i ate the crunchy puffs filled with ground beef then the vej dumplings.
a few minits passd as we ate silently. when i finished the appetizers i looked around for wu. many tables were now filled with couples mostly with gray hair. it was a mini city. most were the majority light skin men with manly short hair facing wives with longer gray hair and long dresses. and among them were the minority a mixed couple, one light man with dark skin woman and at another table two negro man perhaps romantic? the table near us had a couple dark skin maybe speaking spanish to him. another couple looked iranian to me.
wu was bringing a tray of food to a table so i waved to her. i watched her carefully put each plate by the customers and ask if they wanted anything. the lady asked for chopsticks and more napkins. wu nodded and came to me. as she walked toward me the lady stuffed her paper napkins into her purse and her husband was obviously scolding her for that. i imagined him saying we bout plenty of napkins.
wu arrived and moved my empty plates to her tray and said she would check if my order was ready. pat askd wu to bring a box for her to take home the rest. she was satisfied. i said "pack mine to go." wu said "your test worked." pat said " i am pleasantly surprised. but you can order dessert here.--i dont need." i assured her.while we waited for the boxes  pat asked me if i exercise "i walk lots but i cant jog in fancy shoes.--i was worried about that. if we dont get dessert we have time for me to buy you some sport shoes.--much thanks. if there is a book store you can pick  the book you like and i will buy it for you when i bring money--nah i did not finish reading the books that i wanted to read i should not get a new one until i finish those. but it was sweet to offer. you think you are the one getting.... i assure you you are giving plenty." she concluded.
my limited knowledge of paying prostitutes had misled me. wu returned with one empty box and one full box, "zechuan beef" she said and pointed tothe paper sticker. pat sloshed the remainder of her portion into the box. and gave her credit card.  
"my parents give me 30 dollars each month--what do you spend it on?--usualy pretzels or books--thirty dollars seems like so little. if i do my chores my parents give me 50% inimum wage each month.--what are your parents jobs?--my ma is a beginner nurse and my father is a computer analyst. they specified that i can give gifts to any friend i like. so i am gonna buy you sport shoes on one condition..." pat paused. i waited for her to finish. "...hang out with me until my parents return at 6 pm, before you go back to your dorm.--yes." i agreed simply.
we walked with our boxes hanging from those chinese wire grips. we reached the counter and pat asked for her card. the lady "assil" returned the credit card with the receipt. "my daughter really likes you" assil said about wu. pat smiled. 
we left the gold dragon and i followed her rightward. around the building was a shoe shop. pat walked decisively to the sport shoes glanced at the different styles and said "how do you like this style?" it was a famous british company probly made in china. "nice." 
a clerk came "hi let me tell you about...--no i already chose this style--please just a minute i recomend a great deal..." pat started walking toward the door so i followed. the bluff worked. 
the clerk said "wait which style?" then, as she pointed i slipped off my shoe so he measured my feet. the clerk made a joke "you know what they say about wide feet.--shut up don! we are not like that!" pat shot at him.
don ran to get the sport shoes. i sat with my sok bare waiting to try the new shoe. it came but looked different than the style pat chose. "this looks different--i know but listen there's a realy good discount on these." i was trapd with my shoe off but pat strode to the manager and talked quietly. over the loudspeaker "don please come to desk one now." don kept trying to convince me to get the shoe that he wanted to sell... i said "they are calling you.--just a minute, dont you see it's better?" the loudspeaker repeated "don i mean it." don cussed. from my seat i watched don unpin his name tag. he had failed his trial in sales. the boss personaly brout the correct style and size. i tried it on and walked and it was comfy. i checked the number in each shoe the same numbers. i returned it to the box. re-shoed and took my lunch. the shopping center had a row of taxis. we entered the one in front and it drove to her apartment.
the trip home had less on the meter. she paid with atwenty and asked for a five change. then we went into her home. "do we have time before the soccer game ends?--plenty. now that yu rested it is my turn."
we did some pleasant stuff the type of stuff that i cant write about. hint hint. you know what they say about wide feet... she had lied to don.
i learned that after emptying and rest, phase two lasts longer.
her contraction was first this time. and that squeeze felt really good. she stopd moving when she was satisfied. she slid up my thighs snd sat on my knees. "your idea is far better than the other guys." 
next we dressed and ate the zechuan. we sat silently chewing. she finished hers first. and said "i am delighted that you dont try to make me talk while i am busy chewing." i nodded in agreement.
suddenly we heard noise in the stairwell.
could it be? the door opened and in walked pa followed by lucy and ma.
"i thought the game would be longer?" i asked. pa explained it usually is but a player got injured really bad and their team quit." lucy said "usualy they have extras in case someone gets hurt but they were down three point already and he was the best player so they lost hope."
"did you study with tal?" pa asked. pat said "not yet we thout you would arrive at 6 like usual. dont you go eat after the game?" ma ignored her "what the hek? you guys spent money on chinese delivery?--i wanted to get tal in a good mood so he would be patient." was pat lying? why did they think i was gonna study with her?
wasn't she finished high school? uh oh what if she wasnt.
pa scolded "yu should not spend money when we already prepared perfectly good chicken. that is why we came home the chicken is already baked. when you finish eating go study hebrews with tal.
what a relief! i had been worried she was still in school. hebrews was not a school subject it was a chore.
after we ate we sat on a couch and read a bible book hebrews. we alternated reading verses and then she criticised the part that she did not like. meanwhiile lucy and her parents ate chicken in the kitchen.
i changed into sport pants and sport shoes so we could exercise together. pa came and asked me "do you think she understood the text?--yes sir".
then he drove us to a club where pat and i jogd around the indoor track. well she jogd around the track i jogd for as many paces as i could then walked for rest and tried again. now i felt thirsty from eating and exercise. i had exercised in the morning too so i was tired. but as long as she jogd i was motivated to copy and kept trying. my later laps were nearer complete laps than my first laps as my endurance adjusted. my heart adjusted. finally after a year she passed me and said "half hour is complete." then she did a walk lap for cooling and i mimicd. then we sat and drank flavord ice tea and talked about life. and books and that i would come in 8 days for another "study session" after her parents left for church. we talked about things her father said his expectations that she marry a church goer but she wanted someone that would not show in action that they agree with the church idea. it seemd that if she stayed at home until she wed and she could only wed the type she did not want then... she would be at home her whole life. she explained the compromise is not "insted of every week once a year" that is still in action insted the compromise is studying the book while admitting it is flawd. 
we continued meeting for several years. the relationship ended when... i was surprised that after she had been so cynical about christianity, even she decided she believed the main foundation of jesus resurrection. so she committed to stop sinning outside of marriage. so we separated. the semester had a few weeks remaining and i got into trouble... the one time i did not use a condom... soon that girl, not named lily, was visibly pregnant and her parents were furious. i look at the irony that my first child was before wedding and not even jewish. i had added to the gentile population. who woulda thout that a guy dressed like a rabbi would be the father of a gentile out of marriage? perhaps a child is a happy ending.
___
  part two the onan club forms and dissolved 
many years ago, in the city new york, a young boy age 7 studied in third grade in a jewish school. one fateful day  the student not named steve noticed that the rabbi had skipped a section. they were starting the lesson from section number x that day, but the section before that x-1 they had not studied! the student protested "hey this is not where we ended yesterday's lesson!" the other students argued "yes it is. we reached here." the rabbi said "do not shout! only if you raise your hand and get called on. and now that i know what you will say do not raise your hand either. this is the section we will study today."
this generated a curiosity of the student. what was "deserving of skipping"??
as usual he continued his efforts, ever since his first day at the jew school, to block out the ideas he heard from the rabbis, ever since his decision in preschool never to trust a rabbi. but he had to stay on the same page so when the other kids turned a page he turned a page too.
after school he decided he was gonna see what idea the rabbi skipped. they had started the new chapter at the end of class yesterday and reached section 2 but now they  had "continued" starting the lesson from section 5 so what was between?
the brat used the english translation that his parents owned and he read the section of the rabbi book and discovered it was about "the secret" body part that must be covered... then he understood the reason the rabbi skipd it to avoid talking about the covered body parts. so he read the translation of the lesson of the rabbis and BELIEVED that a male child age 9 produces liquid seed kuz that is what he saw in the book. he believed that he will also when he will be old enuf.
surprise! the morning after his ninth birthday he awoke dry. no "white" liquid as the rabbis had written. when would he reach physical maturity?
the next day of 3 grade, age 7, the child made an effort at school to ask his classmates in the boy-only jew school "are you nine yet?" each day at recess he would ask another until he realized almost everyone in his class was already 8 in 3 grade. some did not want to reveal their age. all consistently emphasized that they will not invite steve tto thir birthday party.
___
the onan club
later in 4 grade steve, who some people called stu, again asked each of his classmates if they were nine. to each kid that said he was nine stu made his "sales pitch". that stu would save them from the sin of onan in exchange for a luxury snack.
this always led to a discussion. wadya mean the sin of onan? stu explained "i read in the rabbi book mishna that age 9 boys produce white seed. since we know onan was punished for spilling that male seed, and we know tthe body cannot store it from age 9 until wedding age 18 it will certainly exit so insted of you doing what onan did i will squeeze it out from you and save you from the sin. stu did not know that this was precisely the crime of "prostitutional hand jobs" due to his limited definition of prostitution.
the brats responded with various answers "they were minors and under the age of sin anyway even if they sin" or "i do not produce white stuff yet. the rabbi book mishna is wrong." and other responses not to give a luxury snack to stu for his services.
however stu was desperte for luxury snacks. his own parents never gaave him cake nor cookies nor chocolate while stu saw the other brats enjoying these sugary treats.
sure he got the healthy snacks such as apples or carrots or bell pepper but those were "obligatory" health food what about the luxury of every other kid?
stu hunted for customers. he approached each kid to ask if they were niine as above but failed to get any customers to exchange their snack for his "holy purpose to save them from the sin of onan."
if an older kid woulda said "save me from the sin of onan in exchnge for money" that older kid woulda been in trouble ! but this was the 4 graders self-motivated business venture motivated by identifying a religious service to offer.
one fateful day at lunch stu noticed a tall kid sitting reading a book during lunch break. the tall kid not named tad was swinging his legs open and shut knees wide apart then swung together and back and forth. stu thout he found a customer for his service. first stu teased tad "looks like you are squeezing some oranges." tad replied "i am reading a book--i mean orange juice with your thighs" tad responded a groan "ugh dont talk like that.--you remeber my offer to you to save you from the sin of onan for your snack."  tad responed "yuck do not even talk like that.--at least tell me which luxury snack you brought today-- i brout mini choklit bar but i was not in the mood it just sits in my locker all day.--you could use that choklit to get a service." stu urged, but tad simply repeated "yuck do not even talk like that." as stu gave up and walked to his school desk tad continued reading his book. he guessed that the tall kid was tall therefore physically mature and relying on the idea that under age 13 "no punishment for sin" so he was free to sin himself.
wrong. tad was just busy reading his book. at the next recess tad accepted the service. "take this mini chocolate first and tell me what you plan on doing." stu explained that he would lean his shoulder on the tall kid and press until "you know... the thing i cant say, and the first one is free to see if you like it." as stu offered back the mini choklit bar. tad insised keep the snak we will go to a stall. stu pressed and did the service and in "almost no time" stu had squeezed the milk from tad. tad said that was far better than he expected and that he wanted to give stu far more than a mini choklit. stu said "whenever you want just bring a snak. tad looked annoyed "that was far more than a snack i should give you pleasure somehow--the thing i am missing is luxury snacks so that suffices."
the following day another tall kid not named mel came to stu at recess. "i thought you were being silly but i heard that you save kids from the sin of onan." stu explained "not for free as holy gift but as a religious service in exchange for a luxury snack."
mel held a pack of two small choklit cupcakes. stu specified "the first one is free to see if you enjoy it then you give snacks for future services." mel insisted "this shows i want your service. i heard you did it right." so stu put the cake in his locker before the two brats hid in a stall during recess and while dressed stu leaned against the tall mel and squeezed until he felt a pulsing. "whoe-oe that was WAY better than i expected." gasped mel. "well any value beyond the snack is balanced by my desire to save you from sin of onan."
during 4 grade stu had only two customers. one i wont say whether mel or tad had an urge once each week around 6 days between juicings. the second had a different rate asking for service around the tenth twentieth and thirtieth of each month and both gave snacks to stu almost every day between services to show gratitude and that they wanted more.
the onan club lasted throughout 4 grade. in fifth grade a new student came and stu tried to add a customer. as they lined up for recess to leave the classroom in a line stu moved very near the new student not named david. "welcome to our school. which school did you go before?" dave grunted indicating he did not want to talk. as the kids stood in line and more added to the back of the line stu made his move... turning and twisting his back to bang once into dave's pants.  the rabbi led the line and the kids starting moving forward out from the classroom to the sports place and as stu stepd forward he jumped back suddenly and banged again into dave;s pants. he felt that his trick worked he could feel the male tube was inflated from his first bang. as they walked silently along the corridor dave left the line for the toilet room.
stu followed as they enterd the room dave said "i am not giving you my snack. i heard about your service." stu tried marketing techniques "the first one is free to see if you like it and consider it saves you from the sin of onan" but dave als knew that until age 13 no punishment for sin. stu had eaten some cookies that day so he gave up his efforts and turned away to leave the toilet room. dave called back "stu. i have a different deal. if you let me held your tube in my hand that will be the exchange." stu accepted the offer specifying "you will stay dressed" and they enterd a toilet stall. dave stood leaning back to the wall of the stall and st leaned back so his back pressed against the taller boy's pants. as stu pressd the tube inflated and stu manuverd to mimic the hands of a clock the tube should turn upwards. dave's hand slid along stu's shirt and under stu's pants. they both pressd and in moments dave emptied his tube. out came the hand from stu's pants. "now i need to dry off" dave explained. 
from that day dave recommended my service and i had several mor customers. two tall plus seven more each wanting once per week or per two weeks. and all giving snacks almost every day even without the service. overweight stu was getting fatter! the newest customer was scared to meet at school. a kid not named ned invited stu to do homework at his home. he arranged for permission for me to stay and watch a video despite school night, his parents swayed mine to agree. before we started school work ned offered his deal. he claimed that he felt weird that his body was ugly. he had heard of my service and offerd me some advice and a deal. if i would give permission for him to see me in the shower and start exercising then he would be a customer. stu specified "that sounds like a pair of men marrying. i dont go that far." ned reassured him that he knew that a pair of men was a different sin so they would not hug while in the shower just give permission to see." stu agreed and showed his body in the shower. since that was not the sin of pair of men. ned said that was exciting and he already needed to change his wet shorts just from looking. no need for pressing. ned invited stu to sleep over but stu was scared of this new relationship. it was too much like a pair of men. however stu kept his deal and walked laps around the school building at recess break in exchange for the new consent. stu now had his tenth customer 2+7+1 including dave. some days he needed two meetings with two boys depending on the varying frequency some boys had varying frequencies.
this lasted a few months until the customers stopd coming. stu went to "his customers" for marketing "i can save you fro the sin of onan again" but the kids said they simply paired up among themselves so they do not need my service. so i tried a new attempt i offered to gaurd snacks while kids played at recess in exchange they would share some with me. i would be responsible that nobody stole them. several kids agreed and i listed name and snack and held the snack for them  at th efirst recess break insted of sports. when the end of recess neared each one came to eat their snack after sports and shared some with me. 
the rabbi heard about this gard service and protested "you cannot do this that is immoral to tell kids to share their snack just kuz you gard it." stu corrected the rabbi "you know the idea of the "hired watchman" in the jewish religion is that immoral? "just stop" insisted the rabbi and he told all the customers to stop sharing their snack. stu challenged the rabbi "are you saying the book of exodus is evil?"--no i never said that--good so i am obeying the book of bible. the rabbi fled with no answer... but the other kids stopped hiring me to gaurd their snacks. and no longer needed my service to save them from the sin of onan  due to them having paired up among themselves each saving the other from the sin of onan so the onan club scattered and i had no customers. i continued using my recess to walk around the school building even in the snow but the only one who wanted my service was the one ned that i was scared of he was too much like a pair of men and wanted undressed service while i had always given dressed. so the one that wanted was too creepy for me and the other customers both in the onan club and the gard club stopd using my services in both the gard and the onan ventures.
finaally my ninth birthday came. and i expected to awake in wet pyjama just due to my age.
nope i awoke dry. i was an exception to the many other nine year olds who i knew produced "white". nobody in my class had time for me. recess was for sports and when i joined the games they knew "not to passs the ball to me" due to my lack of experience in sports i would miss the basket anyway or strike out in baseball. i quickly learnt to only walk around the building for recess.
years passed as the other kids played sports teams of base ball or basketball but none had time for friendship during recess. during lunch break the other kids taklked about the excitig stuff they saw on tv but i did no know any of that kuz my parents did not let me watch any tv. i did not even understand the parts they said and stopd sitting with my class at lunch i just ate my lunch in a class room. i discovered two other nerds also ate lunch in the classroom but they either read books or studied as a pair doing homewor so i felt lonely and bored. my only "play mate" was the older kid who should me sources that i was not required to read the prayers and offered insted to play checkers with me.
each morning when other kids read the prayer book around ninety pages the same pages day after day, we would secretly meet and play checkers on a magnetic board. he used a chart to keep track that we started each game differently from day to day and then we played the almost infinite combinations of checkers.
the older kid not named oliver also gave me assignements to list as many two letter words i knew starting with the letter based on the date in the month. we would write a list and compare the list then he would send me to check a dictionary that all the words were in the dictionry and learn the meaning. so that wa smy only playmet the checker player. the games were always different insted of the same ninety pages day after day. he almost always won and explained "kuz you are younger." i said i dont care that i was outsmarted i just want to play with someone who does not cheat." he asked wat i mean by that so i said the kids my age do tricks in games like turning over too many markers in othelo or lying abot the details in the war games "battleship" and the one with the soldiers each with a number and the spy. olly suggested their intentions were not to win but to cheat just to cause me to stop playing at their home. they did not wnt to play with me and so cheated to cause me to choose to keep away. in contrast "i like to win by playing younger kids, since i would lose to the kids my age." i repeatedd that i dont care if i lose the game, i just need his time so i wont be lonely and bored. 

Monday, June 21, 2021

is Dawkins truly a leader of athiesm?

 
2, for example, the "leader" who uses an organization to honor atheists, wrote about himself: both "an atheist like i am"  p. 34, as well as "i am agnostic" p. 74 in the SAME book... that shows his tricks trying to pretend he is in two groups.... different ideas... just to sell his book. he also admits that he has a doubt he is "not certain that God is not real" p. 74 so that is not an atheist idea... revealing his lie on page 34 as a lie, and undoing his "book title" that God is false since that book is NOT claiming God is false.
THREE
3, he has a section to argue "christians are wrong about the topic killing a fetus"  a fetus is "a clump of cells" misleading people it is like dry skin... while in fact that "clump of cells" even before it has arms is special cells as an entire whole human called "stem cells" a whole entire human... i say this not to BLAME any mother but to uncover his tricks. we once discussed together if  a court showed punish abortion doctors or not. he even blames all christians for the few who killed abortion doctors. i am certain you would never do such actions. yet he uses his book to blame all.
FOUR
4, he writes about the "tragedy" that a college student left college due to his faith as if faith prevents people studying in college... where most students are christian !
FIVE
5, he also has a section where he claims "when famous scientists mention God they are still atheists" which is bizarre considering those authors even Darwin and Hawkings and einstein made the effort to ADD the idea of God into their books... to show they were not denying God... this dawkins is in "denial" he cannot bear that some geniuses believed in God. he bothers to quote that darwin believed "God breathed life" into animals , not just humans in chapter one of genesis. einstein added the name God into his books... to show something. even Hawkings added into his book "the mind off God" to show something but this dawkins cannot bear that brilliant minds disagree with him so claims "that is no proof but they are all atheists", like somebody in pain and denial. he himself is not "certain" as above. so he should not call believers "delusional". mocking all christians and even some  famous scientists such as Nueton, einstein hawkings and even darwin himself was not claiming "evolution replaced God" as some think darwin's idea serves. the fact is darwin was explaining the "diversity" of various creatures. Did God make every species of bird which we find today existing since creation, or did God "breathe life into some" which evolved into many forms. that was the issue for darwin.  the fact that dawkins needs to use such tricks shows that he himself knows he is wrong but only wants to SELL his book to people who will not notice such blatant flaws.

solstice poems

the solstice poem
 "The Blue Marble orbits,
it's falling back and forth.
today the rays' angle,
is at furthest point North.
and for date 22 at evening, the flame poem
the tym of lyt lessens
until sunset for nyt
so its apt to ignite
our added flame of lyt.

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

galaxy moving

galaxy moving
today i read a book that asked the unknowable question? scientists agree on a "standard model" and believe that the galaxies are moving apart and therefore were near each other in the past, if so: what happened before the galaxys were moving apart?
the simple answer to the question is not in that book... but it appears on signs by bridges "bridge freezes, before road surfaces [+do]." surfaces is a noun in that phrase. the bridge contracts at a different rate than the road beyond the brdge.
the universe as a whole entity is simply similar to the metal composing a bridge.
so we can analyze the ideas.
1, when we look up at the stars at night we see that the many stars remain in the "same pattern" unchanged for many hours as they "move like a clock hand"  which scientists know results from "facing different star patterns as WE spin" each night. the same patterns repeat night after night but the group changes monthly.
science expects us to believe them, that the universe is expanding. they write several hints that the space is expanding.  in fact "respected scientists" dared to write that at one time matter moved faster than the speed of light... which violates a rule of science unless the universe itself is expanding and could expand faster than matter can move... however we DO observe that the stars are not "racing apart from each other near the speed of light" as scientists believe... and write, and expect us to trust them, the stars we observe are the ones in our galaxy... and "space is observably not expanding" between the stars of our own galaxy.
i saw a galaxy thru a telescope. they said i was looking at the nearest one m31. i knew m31 is moving toward us from a reliable book in astrophysics... this also challenges the idea of "expanding space". if we ever stuck stickers on a balloon and then inflated the balloon, then the stickers which were near each other would move apart as "space" expanded and they could not move near each other when the space and the balloon surface is expanding. yet m31 called andromeda is moving near us so the standard model is challenged.
so a more precise description is not the "univere" expanding but the galaxy motion. some galaxies move away from ours and others such as m31 move toward our own. the fancy term is blue shift. anyway it is so far away that despite milllions of bright stars in that galaxy it appears, through high quality amatuer telescopes, like a 'relatively small' cloud "less dark" than its background and far less bright than a visible dim star.
2, if we believe that galaxies are moving apart... can we predict that will continue? can we "reverse" the expansion back to infinite density?
i doubt that.
sure we can estimate the distance "was less" at specific past times... if the time is short,  however "how far back" in the past dare we RESPONSIBLY and confidently extrapolate? not enough to claim infinite density in fact even the same book that claims "infinite density" admits the possibility of "oscilating".
in simple terms, not in the book, we can describe the universe like the metal in a bridge. 
3. in simple terms, not in the book, we can describe the universe like the metal in a bridge. 
when the temperature drops colder from 90 degrees fahrenheit to 10 degrees fahrenheit the metal in the bridge shrinks. and the bridge freezes "before" the surfaces of roads freeze. the contraction is a different rate. cold causes contraction of volume.
we see observe gaps built between segments of bridge [based on past damage] to allow for expansion and contraction of the bridge material... even when changes are less than 100 degrees fahrenheit.
the same thing will occur and has occurd with the galaxy motion.
now and only now we observe indications of some galaxies moving apart.
we can estimate that in the near past the galaxies now moving apart were nearer... and that in the near future they will contiinue to separate... until the heat lessens and the "cold causes contraction" as we observe and learnt to build bridges with gaps. the cold will cause contraction and the cold IS the cause. and was the cause of contraction that caused density and heat as i will explain.
the temperature now beyond our atmosphere is called 3 degrees kelvin around 300 degrees centigrade colder than freezing water into ice... when that heat "lessens  enough" the cold will contract the space and the matter. the cold will cause [and had caused] the movement apart will reverse caused by the cold same aas we observe in small temperature changes.
the contraction will pull all the galaxies near each other... caused by cold contracting which we know is a fact by observation for material. this contraction will continue UNTIL density generates heat and we know... heat causes material to expand even a change of only a hundred degree fahrenheit causes expansion... and will resist the contraction and reverse it. when the heat increases enough the contraction will reverse... stop contracting and expand... and this already occurd... when the heat of the density of the contraction caused expansion as above reversing the contraction.
this model means we must not "extrapolate back in time" to infinite density, because that ignores the fact that heat causes expansion... the contraction reversed due to the cause called heat so the matter of the universe was never "squeezed into the volume of a two liter bottle or less."
4, in fact the estimated "volume" of matter as calculated by the same scientists tells us the smallest volume before the heat reversed the contraction... the volume when they claim matter moved faster than speed of light... moved further than one light year in seconds, far less time than a year, at that "illogical point" the matter was not "that close together" and expanding as indicated by "the need for it to separate too fast" as they claim, and due to the "heat causing expansion" as above.
so in simple terms the universe is like the metal in a bridge. the heat caused expansion meaning the galaxy motion was pushed apart and now the universe is cool so space is not expaanding as we observe in the stars within our galaxy and when it "loses more heat" and gets colder the contraction will pull the matter back near each other until... the heat caused by density with no other cause neither physical nor godly will push the galaxies apart as already happened. 
___
5, THE MESSAGE for you:
i asked god how many times did the matter swell and shrink? he did not answer a number but did specify that in his omniscience that is what truly occurd. i do not get all the information, for which  i ask (for), but i will convey the information that God sent me to teach: "the cause of the expansion was the increasing heat due to increasing density in contraction, and the cold will be the cause of contraction that will repeat." 
God did other stuff, including sending me to deliver several messaages,  but did not cause any "big bang" nor start the expansion at infinite density. he himself taught that the heat caused the expansion which is easy to believe as we observe heat and cold effects. the heat and the cold are the causes. as above.

happy birthdays june 17-21

 FINALLY a group of happy-days times 5! after 
ten days [dates june 7-16] with only one famous birthday [date 12 passed marty in world back to the future], after an almost empty week, no birthdays of dc or famous characters, except one on date 12, now a group of birthdays. tmoro date 17:
17  happy birthday "Kyle's ma" [Sheila, south park world], followed by 18:
18  happy birthday Terrance Mephesto [south park world]  see details below. 
19 see below.
HOW celebrate? read a brief synopsis or plot summary of an episode she appears in for example: season 1, episode 6 "death" or s8,e9 about wall-mart. and on 18 t.m. the son of the clone guy. who also clones in 1,5. and for:
CLEAN fun, considering we do not know the birthday but NEED some date, during vacation after June 3, for Phineas in the world phineas and ferb, ergo the celebration in "april" was not IN vacation, so for phineas 14 days [despite not chronologic, yet need a day] after june 3=june 17 (age "vague" as intended). and 19 dc birthday.
19,  b. Hawkgirl-Shayera, [famous in DC comic after 1956], 
+b. Garfield the famous cat who loves lasagna with cheese and meat.
20,  happy birthday Token [south park world] recommend 5,12 neighborhood.
21. celebrated in summer,  happy birthday ma of phineas [in P&F world as above] also
NATURE change, stop adding lyt, hence new season named summer. 
for symbol apt at evening for human "to lyt a lyt" kuz stopd adding nature lyt. but jew-rabbis bakwards. 
DO NOT MISS this week kuz it is  special in contrast to the fllowing week no birthdays  worth celebrating:
22 foe 23x 24x 25x 26 empty.

Monday, June 14, 2021

stories from dreams

 5 interesting dreams bus city train

driver out taxi lady

younger quit

and older in txt

"did you pack the baggage yourself?" asked the security gard at the bus terminal. the young girl gazed up at the security uniform and saw the pair of bumps in the gard's shirt. that meant lady. her hair? her eyes continued upward ignoring the query short hair. the gard must feel like a man. maybe she was attracted to ladies the way men are attracted to women. she felt a little jealous that her own pair of shirt bumps were much smaller. finally she answered "either way you will put the baggage in a machine." the gard said "true, if you say someone else packed we will scan it and if you know someone else packed you WILL lie that you allowed people to put it in. and in your case we will search the suitcase." i wanna be there when you open it" insisted the young teen girl. the security gard chuckled "we are security we keep you safe we are the ones who must follow the rules" the young teen named tina felt embarrasd that strangers wuld be looking at the panties that she packed that was personal. they would see all her personal stuff. she had wanted to bring her magazines but decided they would see it in the x ray device and she would be embarrased that they knew which type of magazine she read. a man would bring worse magazines and not care but she was more sensitive so she had not packed her magazinees only clothing and now strangers would see her panties as they searched for who knows what. she guessed they had to check hers as na excuse to check the bggage of people dressed like muslims only by harrassing nn-muslims they could say "everyone equally harasd" but she hated that they would see her personal pantes. and which box of pads she brought. she should have listend to her pa not to pack anything personal and anyway they would probably lose the bag and she would not have her panties and ergo need to buy new panties at the destination... anyway so better not to pack any and simply buy new at the destination.

her pa had joked she could buy a cheap newspapaer and have 40 paper panties. men were gross.

tina did not know the real reason that they took hher baggage.

it was a dark blue rectangle. her parents had offerd to buy a case for her but she did not trust them to choose a nice one. so she had driven to the mall parked her pa's car and chose a suitcase. then she had driven home and stuffed her clothinin inside. everybody saw her dresses when she wore them but people were not supposed to see her panties and bras they were supposed to be covered because they were the unique lady shape only ladies have that shape not men... and now the gards woud be pretending to search for bombs and "gifts" imported without tax and probably search for powder drugs and use that excuse to see her personal panties and bras. 

"if i dont agree?" asked tina? "then you cant get on th ebus and we will suspect you are hiding something--just put it in xray you will see no bombs--you said bombs now we will search your body--i said NO bombs--oh well that is what a bomber would say so get in the booth so we can search you--just use the magnet wand--fine. they took her blue baggage away. she imagined them opening it and feeling around unfolding her personal panties holding them and saying filthy words and jokes about stuff that men laugh about. men are gross.

she did not know that in the other room they used one of many "oddly-shaped" keys to unlock the lock on her zipper open the zipper of the case and add a box and envelope without even seeing her clothing.

tina stood while the lady-gard waved the wanda all around her  and afterward walked thru the doorway of the detector. she went to the door of the office where two men had taken her blue baggage and waited. the door buzd open and a guy rolld her blue rectangle out the door and returned her bag.

she puld it to the door with number 6. bus number 241 came instantly. she would have missed her bus if the gards had been slower... and not been the "last minute" if they had let her thru quickly. she stuck her case under the bus and climbed up into the bus. 

it left the bus terminal on schedule... pland for the timing of the red lights so as it reached each intersection the bus went thru. the bus soon entered the rural style road. it went out from her city named west-ham and moved toward the next town. the road had one lane on each side of the center lane where the bus drove.

after twenty minutes on the main road called 4 the bus reached the town. some people exited the bus and took out their baggage. she hoped that was the case that they would take only "their" baggage not hers then she would lose the dresses that she liked.

she did not see that already a stranger was touching her bag... and it was not a passanger from the bus! agent aron was ready at the town of tiny-vil he knew which key for this misiion and unlokd tina's lock he unzipd and felt for the box and easily found it and puld it out... while agent alis talked to the driver and asked if anybody was acting suspicious. now that the box was in his hand he zipd the case shut and snapd her lock shut.

he radioed to alis "target acquired." alis was listening to the driver complain that people were acting suspicious and pointed to certain ones... and alis pretended to look and listen until she heard the signal from aron "target acquired" alis interrupted the driver "thanks for warning us we will watch them." she exited the bus while the driver shouted "wait i did not warn you what they said." but alis knew her mission... and that the terrorists that the driver had noticed were the ones they were watching and that they had plastic explosives under their clothing which the doorway detector had not known... but they knew due to the address that they came from and that they would explode that bus too... alis knew all this and that she would not interfere due to the big plan. 

one in this group was a genius and if he was gonna kill HIMSELF that would be simpler than trying to outsmart him and despite knowing he would kill the people in the bus from west ham well... that was HIS action and better not to stop this group so the genius terrorist would die too. 

even aron did not know that part of the plan he just needed to get the box with the device that army needed... but feard spies would intercept in mail or shoot the guy delivering... this was the best method. as tina rode her bus away from the checkpoint where some travelers alighted to the ground alis met aron who showed her the box. "sheets" cusd alis she did not know the carrier was on that bus! the envelope was still in the compartment for the second stop and aron did not know about the bombs!

alis phoned her contact at the bus company to instruct the driver to change route!

she knew the bomb plan was to eplode the bus in the second town caalled smallvil because that is where the army base for artilleery storage was. yet the envelope needed to be deliverd to the THIRD stop because they could not trust mailing it!

the idiots had only told her about the bomb and aron about the carrier but she did not know about the carrier until aron showed her that he had successfully "extracted" the device... from tina's blue baggage.

the driver of the 241 bus announced that the route was changed they would add an additional stop to the pland list of stops. one guy openly dresd as a muslim ran to the driver to aargue that he needed to get to his town "on scheduule" and the driver said "if you argue get off the bus." so the muslim named muhamed ahmed returnd t his seat and used his cellular hone to ask if he should abort or wait? boss ahmed fatima said "Patience! the location is important not the time".

they did not know that all this would save some soldiers lives.

alis also radioes agent abby who was in the bus. she was a new agent planted for gaurding the carrier... and alis did not know which bus abby was in until aron showed her that he had recoverd the device. so she orderd abby to invite tina to a drink at the aded city. 

abby had orders to escort the bus four stops and meet a man at the fourth... her major knew that the man at the fourth stp would never see this bus as it would never arrive but hid this from agent abby.

abby walked to tina... actually she saw the imij photograph in her app and searched the bbus for that face until finding tina. she told tina "i need help with a food delivery you can make a quick 50 euro if you help me." tina askd "wadya mean quik? i wanna get to my school dormitory."--"real quick and i will pay the first ten euro NOW to show i am real". abby showed the paper bill for fifty euro and the coin for ten euro. "see the fitty?" abby urged hoping tina would agree. as predicted tina agreed and believed it would be quick.

soon the bus arrived in ramat-gan terminal in the district named wales.

agent abby and tina went out from the bus and alighted on the ground. tina wanted to check that her bag was "not lost yet" but agent abby explained that ramat was not a scheduled stop and nobody was expecting to go out so they would not open the luggage section. "good" said tina... believing the lie. the duo walked to the first building barely ninety paces from the post for the bus stop. around the building was a large empty area with dying yellow grass in a broad yellow patch extending from the road far to the side and around the post of the bus stop. 

behind the duo... agent addel was activated. addel had been at home in ramat until agent alis cald her and said to rush to bus 241 as it arrived for the emergency stop in ramat gan. there was a bomb on the bus! [this detail was true] therefore she must remove the blue suitcasse with the ticket code y234 and bring it to the bomb squad without causing any panic. as these plans materialized into action what was happening at the second stop?

soldiers from the artillery base were orderd to transfer to the base in grand-ham. sub-general lee would lead a group of elite soldiers specially trained from the artillery base. they must herry so they do not miss bus... 241. sub-general lee hurried his troops to the bus terminal. his unit reached the row of coverd shacks as a bus arrived "dammit" cusd lee before he saw that it was not bus 241.

the group reached the simple "bus stop shack" with a roof to protect from rain and cover from sun.

today alreay rain fell so water dripd from the roof of the cshack but now the roof coverd the soldiers from the sun.

whie they waited for the bus one low rank chekd his phone app for the bus schedule of 241. it had already left its starting terminal and was scheduled to arrive soon. now he understood why lee had urged them to hurry...

they waited and waited and waited.

lee was horrified. he needed to get his group to the other base. as authority of sub general he changed the plans. as bus 232 neared he orderd hsi troops to get into the other bus. lee was angry that the busses were so unreliable he did no know that this change saved his life and the lives of the elite squad... instead different people would die.

bus 232 came and stopd at the cover. lee led his squad onto the bus. they showed their soldier id' for free travel and the driver waved them on.

meanwhile muhamed radioed his boss fatima and updated him that the bus was waiting at an unpland stop. "you suck" criticized f' "i already told you that the location is important not the time." rthe genius of the group... muhamed was way smarter than the rest of the "bomb squad" each wearing a belt of plastic explosives... all with famous muslim names in fact muhamed is probably the most common name on the planet... this planner who had masterminded a successful bus bombing in the haifa city in wales was explaining that the british army must know they have the bombs that is the unscheduled stop. he urged his boss to consent to detonate immediately so they could kill the passengers and cause fear of islam. f' responded "you are not as smart as i had heard you just want to go quickly t your heaven with rivers of wine. people like you who doubt their mission shold just drink wine in THIS LIFE now follow orders and do not bother me unless real problems occur. wait until you arrive in the location as pland."

meanwhile tina and agent abby had already went to each door of the building and all were locked... as abby expected. she swapd back the ten euro coin in exchange for the fifty euro and said the food is not ready for delivery. so you must wait at this door until a red van comes. tina protested "you said quickly! now i will miss the bus to my school" abby comforted her that the hassle of getting her lost baggage was comforted by the money she just earned and that she could take the next bus. tina argued 241 to my school does not GO thru here." abby apologized and promised she would take responsibility to insure she had transportation to her school.

while abby and tina argued agent addel as mentioned showed her army badge to the driver so he opend the baggage section of the bus. she easily found the only blue baggage and checkd the label code. she "saved the bus" from the bomb by taking tina's blue baggage out. it would never arrive at the terminal near the school as tina hoped... but it COULD not arrive due to the many who believe in "jihad war".

the bomb squad in the bus was arguing. "we will get caught that is the meaning of the chang ein bus location." urged the genius but his two simple buddies assured him " we are as eager as tyou to die and end our suffering in this world but we must die for a purpose." the genius argued you are just scared to die. the simpler muhamed puld his pen from his coat pocket and jamd it into genius md' stomik. as he collapsed from pain moaning the third muhamed puld a shard of sharp cermic from his pocket and kild the leader so he would not ruin the plans. 

the passengers screamed in horror as blood sprayed everywhere...  and the simple muhameds said " you must thank us he had a bomb." this calmed the passengers. the simple muhameds ripd open the shirt of genius muhamed and showed his belt of plastic explosives. with a timer that wasnot yet activated. the bus driver opend the bus doors and the two simple muhameds carrried the corpse out as it dripd blood.from the side of the stoamach as well as from the neck.

then the two muhameds returned to the bus and the passngers clapd and cheerd the heroes who had stiopd the "violent muslim bomber". the simpler muhameds smiled... it seemed they smiled at the gratitude but realy they scofd at the infidels who THOUGHT they were saved from a bomb but had just now welcomed TWO bombers back into their bus.

meanwhile the bomb squad outside of the bus opend tina's baggage. muhamed the leader of the good guys announced that the bag had no bombs. he raadioed to agent alis that she was wrong. a low rank named juda took the envelope with the code juda on it. muhamed accused "dont steal that envelope it is not yours--but you see my name it is mine." muhamed the good guy reported to alis that juda took the envelope marked juda. alis adjusted her plan and told juda that it was indeed his name and that he was supposed to get it later. now that th eenvelope was in his hands he was appointed carrier to deliver it to sub general lee directly. alis then updated agent abdul [at the third bus stop] that the envelope he was orderd to swipe from the blue baggage was intercepted. he must come at once to ramat and get it and deliver it to sub general lee insted of waiting at his first orders.

juda waited with the blue bag for abdul. when bdul came to the spot at ramat he asked what should i do with the blue bag that had nno bomb? good muhamed ordered him to deliver the blue luggage to the school as alis ordered but only after delivering the envelope. 

abdul reported that he saw a muslim bleeding heavily outside the bus. good muhamed ran out to see what happend and recognized genuis muhamed from his secret mission.

 he immediately ordered "abort" and sent his squad to arrest the remaining islamic jihad bombers. the only reason they had not interfered with the bomb plan was for genius muhamed to self explode but now that he was stabd by the sharp ceramic shard he was dead anyway so they could adjust the plan and stop the bombers instead of allowing the islamic juihad bombers to reach the city with the army base as originally permitted.

again soldiers showed their id' to the driver who opend the bus doors. good muhamed yeld in arabic that he had to stop the bombers as he ran along the corridor of the bus the bombers knew that they would get caught... one tried to arm his bomb but the other said "he spoke arabic we must not kill a muslim that is murder." "i hate these islam rules kill this but not kill this" angrily hollered a boomber. he used his sharp ceramic shard to cut his own throat. then feeling the pain and regret he wanted to live but tool late he fainted and bled out. the soldiers arrested teh remaining bomber and carried the corpse off the bus.

boss fatima heard the news announcement that bombers were caught in bus 241.

plan a had faaild so he sent plan b. two new recruits had requested to join the rebellion. at first he did not want to use them but now that his genius was dead and his team captured he must use the new recruits. but they needed an experienced leader and the only one nearby was very high rank captain. he needed him to plan future plans but feard the new recruits would fail if they did not have am experienced leader.

fatima  resond  that the mission was already in motion and he would not abort.

he told the new recruits he had a job for them and sent them to the bus terminal... the same one that sub general lee had left in bus 232. he did not know that his first group would have arrived in time to get the high ranking sub general... who was suffering from a bad day insted of dying.

insted different soldiers came to the shack to go to the beach. the new recruits named muhameed took a taxi to the home of captian ahmed abdul. as orderd he led them to the bus stop and said get in close to the soldiers and then press the button. "you do not want to get seventy virgins?" askd the new recruit of the captain. "i must stay in this world for future missions." 

"NO yu wont" they hollerd in chorus. one held a knife to the captains thrat while the other held a knife to the cab driver throat and said move close to the bus stop.

the driver understodd they had bombs and he would die either way so he said " i do not fear your knife. the new recruit stabd the cab driver as he had threatend and then the pair detonated their bombs. the taxi exploded killing the new recruits and the captain. metal from the car blasted out killing two soldiers but only injuring the others  kuz the cab driver had refused to move near.

back to tina...

tina did not know that islamic jihad had just lost two of its most valuable assets and two more pairs of "simple" recruits.

she was waiting for the food delivery. the red van finallly came and gave her the package. the driver a man named david who wore a christian cross told her that group getting the food would help her get transportation. tiina carried the white paper bag with food away from the building. she passed the two bleeding corpses and recognized the beards from when she had enterd the bus. except the beards were now also red with blood.

she walked beside the highway as the red van drove away and made a u-turn to return to the cater company. she reached the intersection and turned right. under the bridge of the highway she saw a group of "campers" four young brats and a man dressed like a rabbi was telling the brats a story as they sayt in the shadow f the expresway bridge. tina thout of the stories of rabbies and priests who were caught touching the intimate places of young boys and girls she was horrified that paarents trusted their kids to go far from the city with rabbis. she did not know which one was the pervert who enjoyed touching intimate places... religio only caused problems... jewish rabbis and christian priests who did not marry women all getting caught touching intimate places... muslims who all followed a book that taught jihad war... whether they did the war or not it was still in the book and nobody but secular rejected the book! the rabbi opend the white paper bag and gave one "egg roll" to each student. 

suddenly they heard a loud horn of a train approaching! the rabbi jumped up and ran to the tracks and stood by the rails waving. the train already moving slow... started slowing more and stopd under the bridge. tina climbed up the step ladder on the side of the tall railroad car. the ticket checker stood by the door and radioed "we got her." tina asked to sit down but the ticket guy ignored her as the train started moving again going to the town of her school.... and then i awoke from my dream. i realized that she "got to go" to her destination but i... i had a driver driving me somehwere... but he only drove to his own home and left the car taking his keys and leaving ME outside his home.

i walked from that home beside trees and green grass until i reached a low hill. i went down the hill and luckily at the moment i reached the sidewalk i saw a yellow cab. i waved for the taxi to stop and it did.

i climbed into the back of the cab and slid my way ALL the way across to the street side of the taxi. and lookd out the window.

"where?" askd the driver. i tried to recall my address but could not think of the name of the street while i hesitated a lady with light brown hair enterd i knew her name was wendy... a woman who worked near my job. "take us to the train station." when i heard the word "us" i was shocked in hrror... she was tricking the driver that we were traveling together sso she could get to her train when in truth i had enterd the cab first but the taxi driver could not know because i had not told him which street i needed... now i would never get him my shock at losing the cab and wendy's deception shocked me so much that... i awoke from the second dream.

this dream followed a dream a different night with a similar theme.

now that the them was established i realized the pattern.

i was in a tall tower. when the doors of the elevator opend  i enterd with the other travelers and searched for the panel with "press-ers" to chose which floor... but the inside of the levator lackd any panel. i would not get to th elevel i wanted which was -4. too late. the doors of the levator closed and the levator moved to the floor that THEY had chosen. [i now realized from the taxi dream that the same thing had already happened in the elevator dream.]

when the doors opend i left the elevator with the people and went to the outside panel. i was about to press -4 but hesitated... i could also go to the entrance lobby and then WALK down steps! a lady was waiting to choose her level and while i could not choose between -4 or walking i realized that i did not know WHICH floor i was NOW on. so i turned away from the control panel and searched for a sign to see if i was below or above -4 the lady... the same lady that was in the later taxi dream... that at the time i did not know was named wendy.... chose the floor for the levator i could not find any sign to see which level i was now at was i below -4 for example -6? then i could walk up a few steps but what if i were deeper? or what if i were high in the tower like 16 floor? thenn walking up would take me far away from my goal. i should ask the lady but i was too shy... to ask which level i was on and which level she was going so what should i do? i dont know what to do... so we waited and waitd and waited...

but no elevator opend.  we stood near the old wide levator but to our right were three newer elevators. but suddenly the light from the centor of that groud switched off only the dark red panel was dead. the further elevator panel had been dar and only the two nearest us were active displaying arrows. we waited and waited more... and soon the remaining elevators stopd their glowing arrows. all the elevators switched off. wendy the woman left the elevator bank and opened a door to the steps. ONLY SHE knew if she should go up or down the steps but i... i did not know which level i was on if i walkd down stairs i might be moving away from goal... a ding! i heard an electronic ding the elevator had reactivated just after we had lost hope! i hurried into the elevator... and the horrible realization hit me.... i had NOT YET pressed any number to choose the floor.... the elevator doors joined shut! and i was again in the mobing elevator... but again i had not chosen which floor... the horror woke me up... and now that i had the taxi dream i realizzed that the elevator dream was the same idea.

and the violent dream

a man was working at his computer beside a low divider that separated around me three sides. a man passed ad said "closing time." i presd the pair "ctrl-s" to save my effort and then the pair alt-f4 to lock the computer but that pair only closed the document... oh dear i closed it but had i saved my effort? i was not certain? but i frequently press the pair to save so probably i could continue the next work day. so i pressd the same pair again which showed a list of options. i chose "log out" so nobody could access except me only i knew the password to use that computer. 

i left the cell and walked between empty cells with computers and reached the door for the stairs. i could see the door was ajar and i could see thru to the white light and the bare concrete floor. as i pushed the door open i knew those stairs led down to the underground parking... where my ugly black ford car was. i had chosen it despite its color due to it being cheaper than the other cars. i was on the top level with no stairs to my right only a low cement wall like a fance and a few paces away from the door i turned right started walking down the stairs to my car... but felt confused... the steps lookd different... they were not the cement steps that i had been walking on only a moment earlier they were covered in red carpet! i was in my apartment building with colorful carpet! i must walk UP steps to my apartment.  i walked up surrounded by the pale yellow light of my home stairs. the fancy wood panels were glossy shiny beside me on my right.  i could afford the extras. the rail on my left prevented people falling down the other set of steps. . at the top of this set of steps i faced two doors. the near was for a neighbor but was empty. my door was the left door facing me so i turned left and faced a glossy brown wood panel with a curved brass tube holding the lamp with yellow light.

i entered my home thru the heavy iron door painted with thick leaf-green paint. before i could take off my coat... that i had not been wearing until after opening the door... i heard a toddler loudly shouting babble... in contrast to the pale yellow light in the stairwell my home felt too bright... but bright white light was good. i knew it was good. just my eyes were not prepared after the dim light in the stairway.

i turned left and left now i was on the opposite side of the fancy wood panel i faced the luxurious bedroom where two fanciest king sized beds and our huge flat screen tv were. my job as a computer analyst paid far more that most jobs with the same title.... i had been so lucky... until now. but now the house was too noisy my three year old daughter was so loud and noisy like the stereotype of boys.

i recalled that when i was a todller the girls told me in daycare 3 for three to four year olds that they doubted i was a boy because compared to those wild brats i was not loud and running all the time. i said "you see i have short hair that IS a boy... but the girls with long hair pointed to the girl with short black hair and said she and i were both grls.  i argued but she wears a dress and i wear pants so that makes me  boy" but the girls giggled and said "dont you see WE wear pants... did that make them boys? i insisted that it did.

i understood my toddler daughter was just like her ma... a girl and loud.

where was my wife? i stepd back away from the bedroom and she was to my right side sitting at a huge wide table with my oldest son. i had argued with her about the issue of circumcision and our marriage counselor said "practicaly without consent of both parnets" we must not cut him because he was our child and although the law allows one pareent that would be immoral considering that the child had TWO pareents so i won that argument protecting him from the knife and my merciless loud wife.

usually the advisor declared her the winner but at least i won the one that was important to me. tony was natural complete. now five years old studying math adding using pictures and plus symbols and my wife sat with him explaining the math and ignoring the shouting toddler. i went to her to see what she was shouting about? mia [rhyming with tee + tub] was in her bedroom bouncing on her sof mattreess... we had told her not to but she did not care. she was watching her thin screen tv that hung on the wall and every sentence she heard from the tv she shouted echo... i guess she was angry that ma was with tony. "hi dear" i said to mia. 

mia stopd jumping. her smile vanished and she hissed "you dont even know my name.--"mia i love you" i tried to re-assure her. "you just say that kuz you HAVE too." she argued. i stood shocked... yes she had echoed the same phrase that she heard her ma tell me! then she said "i hate you! i want mommy... [then loudly yelling: ] BABY BOP knows her letters" mia resumed echoing her tv.

was she saying i hate for HER own feelings or was she again echoing my wifes words? she always ecchoed i was certain mia did not feel hatred to me... she was jealous of tony.

if mia was hungry she would tell me.

i left her room but clearly mia was sad... she was not jumping anymore but that was what i wanted.

how the baby slept or tony studied with the noise of mia shouting? i could not fathom. i entered the long narrow kitchen. the stove had the pot from lunch with cold gross dark green pea soup.

darker green the peasant leaf green front door that was green outside by the red rug but white inside like the white walls.

the kitchen cabinets were all white... tobith my wife had won that argument when we had argued about the kitchen colrs she had used the trick "you decide other rooms but i decide the kitchen" which was "bad stereotype" about wives in kitchen she herself insisted she was NOT the cook of the home... if her job as ma was not to cook then nothing remained... and speaking of no remainder... in later arguments it turned out she claimed to make decisions about every room and non room remained even circumcising tony she coulda done... but the counselor said that would make me mad and as above would be immoral kuz tony was also my son.

i had no appetite but i the law obligates me to feed my kids. 

i grabbed a put from under the sink beside the bug spray... i could not fathom why my wife insisted on keeping the poison near the pots for food but the counselor had over-ruled me on that insisting no poison would get n the pot if the lid was on.

i felt that we argued about everything and since we were "equal" only theoutsider made EVERY decision in the house and he always sided with HER he was probably intimidated by her loud shouting only the one thing he felt both parents must give permission for body alterations.

everything else i cant tell her instructions... but she could tell me and boss me around which chores she wanted me to do... the only king of my home was the marriage counselor. i filled the pot with water the slave in my own kingdom to serve my children. from the freezer i pulled beef frankfurters... from the different types we had served in the past mia liked this one best and she had said she hated me... so i should make the kkind she liked? or the opposite if she hated me i should not make the one she liked? too late i had already grabd the packet. 

i cusd due to not igniting the fire under the water.

i lookd at the knobs of the stove and could not recall which knob was for which location and in contrast to my parents stove with a diagram beside each knob this oven did not show. this too tobith had won the argument claiming it was a better oven and stove... despite no picture for me and more expensive... moremoeny does not PROVE better quality.

so i wasted time turning first the near knob until it clicked and ignited the smaller stove. then i tried the second knob angry that i was wasting time and gas feul... the second lit the front larger stove. so i moved the pot from the largest to to the fire. i had wanted to use the largest stove but hated wasting fuel.

next i took the scissors to cut open the plastic of the frankfurters... ho-do-s tony cald them to shorten the name... but the scisor did not cut the thick plastic. i tried to change the angle for leverage but the frozen har hodo blocked the blade. 

finally i opend a drawer and took a knife not EVEN ONE was the kind i like with teeth tobith won that argument kuz the king of my home was the marriage conunselor... the "objective" third party. 

the christian book had a solution for marriage arguments... a wife can suggest ideas to her husband but he is the leader... only he decides but no christians DID that rule.

when i was single the serrated knife easily ripd the plastic of hodos... but now i had a smooth knife that didnot poke it so i pressed and pressed and the plastic did not budge. tony was beside me and asked "why dont you use the tip?"

smrt kid. i poked the tip thru the plastic and pushed away from my self and the plastic split.

"why do you only make the kind mia likes?" tony askd. "which kind do you like more?" tony stamped his foot "you never notice me! i was born before mia dont you know the kind you gave me BEFORE she was born?" i honestly did not remember but thinking quickly blamed my wife "ma wrote this on the shopping list so i chose this from the online shop." tony hissed "you are a nobody. you never choose what to buy. HOWEVER... he emphasized and paused for emphasis... YOU could choose to get the hodo that i like but you dont even know i live here." kids always echo their mother. he di d not know that the marraige counselor told me not to add to wifey's shopping list. so i could not. i was the slave... i worked to earn money that only OTHERS chose how to spend.

which food which cabinet which apartment which tv...

"i apologize" i whispered to tony... and braced for the phrase so common here... "saying sorry does not help" but if i would not apologize that would be worse... wouldnt it?

i splached the hard frozen hodo into the water... the whole pack of ten beef hodos.

i put the lid on and waited for it to boil.

"TONY GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT" hollerd tobith. tony jumpd clearly traumatized. poor kid. 

tony obeyed. "YOU ARE OLD ENUF TO DO CHORES PUT YOUR BOOKS AND GAMES A-W-A-Y when you switch missions" the last words were not yelled. tony silently put his school books in his expensive rolling pack. then ma rhetoricly said: "why dont you apologize for your laziness?" tony answerd "kuz saying sorry does not help". "DONT A-N-S-W-E-R me" hollerd tobith clearly forgetting that she had ASKED. "sorry" moaned tony... in a moan. "saying sorry doesnt help" chanted ma.

the slave in the kitchen moaned at the traps tobith had set for tony.

the slave in the kitchen moved the pea soup to the stove cntrolled by the edge knob. he turned the knob releasing gas and the electric igitor snapped once and again until the flame blazed... then the computer knew to stop snapping and i lowered the flame to a low flame to heat the soup. we would have franks and soup.

with the food heating the slave moved the plates from lunch to the machine for diesh washing far more than plates for tobith and two kids... the slave in the kitchen moved ALL the many bowls and plates and dishes and glasses and cups into the dish wash machine. he opend the pot cabinet and found the liquid soap. he poured it into the tray closed it and switched on the machine.

"you IDIOT" criticized tobith "you coulda included the plates from this meal in the same wash batch." i knew no matter what i said she would out smart me so i nodded and asked "how was tova today.--dont try to change the subject! you apologize for bad use of the dish washer." i chanted learning from tony "saying sorry does not help."

"I AM SICK OF you" tobith hissed. "we need to divorce immediately."

i was not prepared for that but thout quikly "for the kids we should stay together." 

"you?" she scoffed... "you do NOTHING for the kids--dear i am the one cooking supper--for THAT??" she scofd, "i will hire a helper with the money you pay for alimony three kids."

now i understood why she was so insistant to have a third child... she was planning a divorce and wanted more "reward for acting bitchy" money.

the king of the home as usual said i was wrong... to only have two kids. objectively for my income i should have precisely four not more and not less. kuz that was objective.

i had argued that i am the father and i do nt want to overburden myself... but the king said i was wrong since that is subjective but objectively a poor family should replace two kids for parents who will die while richer families were wrong to have only one kid.

so decreed the king siding with tobith.

tobith was still ranting about something... "it is NOT my job to cook around here" she concluded. i had not heard most of what she had said in between.

i was fed up with her and said "with such excuses you dont have ANY job here.--i do the mothering--that is an empty word that contains no activity.--bleep" tobith cussed at me as she stormed out of the kitchen.

well no way i was paying alimony or any money to THAT woman.

the obvious solution was to stop paying for the mortgage that would cause the bank to take the home away from her and empty al the savings at the same time.

sure my kids who i loved would suffer... poor tony once divorced she would circumcise him and the only difference is that at age five he would remeber the difference and be aware he is missing a piece that he had.

the pain and agony would be less kuz he could be asleep in contrast to infants that have great pain in circumcision as we know from hormone  and other devices.

with me out ofthe picture she wuld not need my consent to circumsie him the one debate that i had not lost... wuld be lost.

i waked to todller mia's bedroom. "hey sweety..." you say that kuz you dont know my name" chanted mia. she could not have ALREADY FORGOTTEN that i said her name while she was watching baby bop she was just echoing her ma.

"how woud you feel if lived in a different house for a whle month?" i asked and paused. mmia chanted "god riddance" that was her echoing her ma. "mia i want to know what you feel." mia gazed into my eyes and said "you are annoying again every time you come into my room you annoy me i just wanna watch tv! get out and STAY OUT."

well i guess she could handle the divorce.

then i searched for tony. where the hell was tony's bedroom?? i felt confused... mia had a room facing the front door a small cube beside the kitchen. then along the kitchen was the long dining room... and parallel the luxury bedroom. where the HELL was tony's room?? but first i must find him. i started searching from the entry door.

i turnd left and left that was the door to my room aligned with the entry door.  along wall painted pale blue separated the bedroom from the dining room.

i hoped tony was in my room and imagined him sitting on a bed watching the giant tv.

i opened the door and saw the two giant beds. the light was on... but tony was not there. i felt horror where was tony?? then i noticed that my room was LONGER than the dining room... i paced the 12 feet past long deep closets with at least 365 dresses and lady jeans and at least 500 pairs of shoes... we could pay a mortgage abd buy all that tobith had convinced the king of the home who again said i must not limit my wife's spending that is considered "violence".

i knocked on the door of the toilet room... tobith said "i am IN here.--are you alone?--what the bleep do you mean by that? are you accusing me of sleeping with another man??"

i moaned... i would never say it but i was certain that she did. that was her personality and exactly how a cheater responds to unrelated questions... revealing that she does have side lovers.

she probably found several PAYING customers.

"i meant is tony with you--yes tony is showering now"... she lied to annoy me... i could hear  a shower if it was on but no sound... "while i sit on the throne in here." she concluded in an annoyed tone. "i would apologize if it would help." i said and walked across the long luxury room passing the giant thin screen tv on the wall. it was dark... like my life.

i exited the room and turned left and walked along the dining room. between the long wide table and the pale blue wall. i reached the end of the dining room and knew the parallel room beside was longer. but a wall blcked me this was not twelve feet long this MUST  be where tony's room is but all i saw was a wall.

i reached my hand forward... and felt... nothing! i walked thru the illusion and finally saw the door to tony's room. i knocked on the door and tony said "wait a minute i am masterbating" i was certain he was only saying that kuz that is how his ma talked when she wanted to enter a room.

"its dad" i said. tony replied in an annoyed tone "oh YOU. you can see me like this." could he realy mean he was in "shower mode"? i slowly opend the door and he said "SURPRISE" he was dressed as usual... then concluded "you should see the look on your face." well i was...i  had been fooled.

"tony, how would you feel if i lived in a different house for a whole month?" tony blinked and sat silently. for a few moments i counted to give him time to reply one second two... 3... 4... finally he said "do whatever you want it is not up to me.--tony, i care about your feelings tell me how you would feel? happy?" tony narrowed his eyes sensng a trap. then he blurted out "i dont care. who needs you anyway." it was not a question. i stood in shock... i felt strongly for each of my kids well less for mia than for tony... and they were not mirroring my feelings.

tony reminded "go check on the food before it burns". he was right so i told him "you are right." the kitchen slave returned to the kitchen. he stirred the pea soup so it would not burn and checked of the hodo was boiling.

the salve had no appetite to eat despite seeing the flavorful hodo... many hours had passed since noon when i had eaten... what had i eaten? was it a big lunch? i tried to recall but i had no memory of eating that day i had been at the office... hadn't i??

i went to call tobith to dinner but my rom was still empty none of the kids came to dinner they were not hungry. tony was probably reading his books, mia was probly watching tv and tova the newest dauter was still asleep. i entered the bedroom to do the only "purpose" i knew a father had. tell the boss that supper was ready but the room was empty. "honey supper is ready--you say that kuz you dont even know my name" she chanted. then she added and call it "dinner" she was always so bossy telling me what to do and how to talk. but this time i knew supper is the name for the last meal... yet if we were separating anyway i did not care about arguing with her anymore. i thout bout her words she wanted me to pay her alimony... society gave reward to women who are annoying enough to convince their husbands for divorce. no way i was gonna pay HER any money.

since she was still on the toilet probly reading she would not see me open the door of the drawer by her bed which was NOT lokd. dammit i thout we have a gun in a drawer and a toddler mia who does not understand the danger of guns what of tony wants to see the "cool flash" of the powerful gun he would need to point it toward his eyes and then... bang. but if we lock the drawer we cant get to it quickly if a burglar breaks in.

i lifted the gun. popped out the magazine. saw it held the standard bullets. lay the magazine down. puld the spring part too make sure the chamber was empty... pop! out flew a bullet. you were sposed to pull it before shooting but she had a bullet in the chamber... the same excuse to save time for a burglar.

the top bullet rolled on the floor. i checked that the bullet in the magazine was a common bullet. returned the magazine to the gun and said "tobith supper is ready." as i snapd the spring to move the top bullet up from the magazine into the chamber and turned to aim at the door as tobith exited... this would save me from paying her ANY money. but the door did not open.

so i said louder "TO-O-BITH--wait a bleep minit" she hollered.

____

WARNING the following violent ending is very horror style and violent age liimit. rated r.

the horror murders:

well i was done waiting i swung my foot to kick in the door and kicked. the thin wood splintered and crumbled and there stood... a couple hugging... her pistol was already raised, i aimed... carefully only kill one... 

the man thout i aimed at him and started screaming ahhh... 

BANG BANG i puld twice and tobiths head burst like a popped balloon.  

the man crumbled to the floor begging "dont kill me." i considered he expected me to... and the jewish holy book DID say he deserved death... that was moral enuf for me. but his arm blocked his chest. i quickly aimed at his belly... and pulled BANG. his arm moved grabbing the spot of pain. the pain gave me an idea i would do some more pain before i shot his lungs... i knew i had 8 shots... how many had used? i was not certain. i aimed at his groin bang. from the other side of the wall tony was knocking on the wall "dad YOUR TV IS TOO LOUD. please i am trying to read." that was not expected.

"just a minit tony". i aimed the gun at the intruder and said confess the guy stopd moaning in pain and said "i slept with her please dont shoot me again.--you are just saying that kuz of the gun i wanna know details tell the truth." the man begd dont shoot again so i said if you tell me details. "i paid her exactly fifty dollars each time we meet for hugs and ninety dollars each time she allows seks. our first meeting was 14 months before tova was born and tova is not your daughter."

"see you saved your life." i reassured him. "thanks for turning down the volume dad" came from tony's room. now show me the bullet wounds. the man pulled up his shirt and his belly was covered in blood. he pulled down his pants and i saw i had missed his tube i quickly aimed at his male tube and pulled the trigger. BANG at close range i hit my target and he started screaming and hwling more in horror than in pain.

"dad your tv is too loud" tony was claerly annoyed. "five more seconds... four seconds three seconds two seconds one second" the screamer did not pause for a breath finally i shot his lung.and he dropped dead. 

i counted the "shells" on the floor 5. 

now i put the gun in the vault. i dont need her permission.

how had he gotten inand how did he plan to leave?

the window of the bathroom did go out tothe fire escape of the tower so he must have planned on using that.

i went back to the kitchen to serve my brats dinner.

i grabbed a stack of plates and the tongs and grabbed two hodos for one plate and one for another.

 i switched off the dining room hologram to find tony's door. i knocked and he said "thanks for turning down the volume. which video were you watching? horror?" i handed him the plate and said "true horror." he scoffed "that one was not even scary." i offered him sup and he said "i had at lunch s i am not in the mood but please make onion rings in the oven." the kitchen slave wanted to make his son happy... but what would happen when they found out i shot their mother? as i carried the second plate with one hodo to mia... i had a cruel thout.

 iturned to the kitchen lay the plate of hodo on the floor and put some pea soup in a bowl. i added rat powder and stirred. s i opened the door of mia's room she said "never come in my room i hate you". those words melted any moral hesitation. "but mia i brout you mommy's soup." i watched as she ignored the spoon and lifted the bowl to her chin and quickly gulped it all down. then she handed me the empty bowl and hissed "get out nd stay out." one more bowl for tova... she was not MINE anyway... i carried the bottle of baby formula mixed with deadly powder and gave it to the unknowing infant instinctively the three month old starting sucking even as her eyes were closed... a voice echoed in my head when they find the bullets they will know i used her gun.

so i went to the vault emptied the magazine returned al the bullets from the magazine to the bullet box returned the empty mag to the gun and pulled the trigger. oops i forgot something i did the steps and then pulled the trigger. then i used a towel to to wrap the gun and smudge all the prints all over the gun every inch and the trigger too. especially the grip where my fingers were and used the towel to put the gun in his hands. then i put on dishwashing gloves that we had for when tobith washed dishes insted of using the machine, i took my pistol from the vault. the magazine was separate so i emptied it and did the steps to re attach the empty magazine to the pistol. i pulled once so it looked like the pistol was empty. i put the pistol in the hand of the headless corpse.

blood was on my shirt and pants but i did not care. 

"tony tonight we will sleep at a hotel with a pool and you can have a week free from school.--great! what should i pack?--nothing we will buy everything new.--yes lets get out before mia asks to come" concluded tony. then i heard a voice in my head "this is what you did when you were 33 years old and this is why i prevented you from ever marrying" and as i led tony out the front door and i clicked it shut... i awoke. a lonely single man... but at least i had not married nor killed anybody. the dream was so alive... surely it was only a dream... or was it??