dear diary may 7
i went to watch the new video about the red panda called "turning red". the story is the fear of being a "hairy red panda" and for me this was a reference hinting to "maturing" getting hairy... and the video even contained openly revealed the mom telling her daughter about the monthlly girl red... and bringing "personal secret" pads to school yikes! which led me to combine the ideas.
they coulda said at the point when mei awoke as a red panda "ma dont come in EVERYWHERE i am so hairy and red" ma said "oh no surprise. every girl grows hair and then gets red monthly." then mei OPENS the curtain and said "i dont mean hairy and red i mean everywhere red hair!" and she shows her panda! surprise!
that would be a good surprise. then ma only shrugs so mei asked "this is horrible how can you be so calm?? ma replied "no surprise i was also a red panda." mei exclaiming, "you? your just saying that! you were never like THIS." then the story can continue in the temple like their's.... but i guess that would too obvious and unbelievable. instead as you also saw ma opens the curtain and is surprised... that it came so soon.
however this story was combined with an "imported snack" that i had not eaten in many years... when i was eating the snack a "suppressed memory" started surfacing. the snack alone would not have caused the memory but the snack plus the hair started opening a difficult memory... i was eating the imported snack as i walked home... and my mind started to cloud and lose conciousness i walked almost mindlessly... i found my home and tried to watch the video "black panther" which was a VERY poor quality video with a "very lame story" with silly details... and the order hard to follow probbaly referencing a comic book that i had not read. but i struggled to concentrate but something NAGGED AT ME and within half hour only seeing twenty minutes of disk, my eyes were shutting and i fell asleep barely entering bed.... was i tired? nope? i awoke after just a few hours... my suppressed memory had surfaced... the candy had reminded me of a candy bribe i accepted when i was in grade 7.
i had supresed the secret memory. this is the shocking story... the red panda alone didnot unlock the memory but with the imported candy... my mind unlocked it.
in new york city on the first day of school after "labor day" i rode in the "private" mini school bus. i went to a jew religious school so we lacked the normal public bus for school. the bus ride was repeating as usual kids talking about tv shows that i was not allowed to watch but they had seen and were talking about their favorite parts or jokes in the show.
finally after feeling "separate" didnot know the story of the show nor the jokes i started "another boring" day at school... until after lunch... the math class. from the lunch hall i walked to the classroom and felt surprised that the students who had been with me all day were not entering the classroom. the bell rang... but the teacher and most of the students in my class had not arrived. i looked around the classroom a smaller classroom only fifteen desks in 3 rows and only 12 brats? but all day i had been with thirty?
finally the teacher entered and read the attendance list. i noticed three boys who had NOT been in my class that day. one much shorter and two taller. the two taller sat in front of me beside each other. mrs. fraklin was teaching anout multiplication. she specified this is something we should all know and only introductory. the two tall brats were whispering to each other in some forrin langauge. i was curious but did not understand so i listend to teacher.
after several minutes of whispering, suddenly the one to my left front folded his arm and pinched his skin.. the brat in front of me burst out laughing... loudly. fraklin shushed him nad warned "stop disturbing or i will move you to the stricter teacher."
she continued teaching... and i whispered to him what was so funny? he bent his arm pointed to the "lips" and said "lady." i copied him folding my arm and pressing the newly formed lips into a lip shape... he shouted "you are a girl look!" the other brat looked and burst out laughuing loudly echoing "he is a lady."
fraklin was furious. "STOP making noise". the brats told the truth "he" pointing to me "distracted us."
teacher called me to the front board and said "were you listening?"--"yes" if so solve the math i just taught. i obeyed and copied her method for multiplication of decimals. "good now stay here. " she said in a relieved tone. the short brat protested "that was too easy."
next she called one of the persians, in 1987 when the iranians were busy in war and education there had been disrupted for many years somehow they had fled and came to new york. she wrote a problem on the chalk board. in those days the board was green with white or yellow chalk. i watched the kid struggle he had not been listening... in fact he did not know "six times three." i was by the board so i wrote "3x4" asking, "can you solve that?" he said "that is not real the symbol is +" and he wrote +.
teacher warned "i am warning you stop pretending. if you do not solve this problem you will need to work MUCH HARDER. multiply this. she wrote 22 and below it x 6.
the brat said six times 2 is twelve and wrote twelve then six times two is also twelve so 24.
most of the brats burst laughing. the teacher said "i warned you stop joking" student insisted in a serious tone "i did it! what do you want from me?"
teacher stormed out of the room...
the boy not named morduk begged me "show me your lady again! but i was already in trouble... so i asked his name and he said "i am morduk and he is nanuk. we speak farsi" i asked "why are you in this class?" morduk said "for math we are a grade lower." then the short kid came to the board and said "i am in 6 grade but for math i am in the this advancedd 7 grade class." i was surprised i did not know that this was the advanced 7. the short kid told his story "in fourth grade they moved me to fifth grade math. then in fifth grade i was in math six and now in 6 i am here.
teacher returned and told the two persians to follow her... and then the rest is secret... i could not rememember seventh grade until tonight.
with teacher and two persians away, the brats started chatting by their desks and the younger kid said "when i am your age iwiil grow hair in my private place same as you." that was awkward. i changed the subject and asked his name? his name was not joe. joe grabbed my wrist and said "let me tell you a secret" i was short so i only needed to bend down a bit for him to reach my ear and whisper "from the moment i saw you i wished you would hug me."--"um fine just not now here." i agreed scared. he motioned his hand and i bent again "i mean no shirts hug." i felt very awkward but imagined i could cooperate with that... but then he added "surely you feel weird that hair is growing where you never had hair but you should not be ashamed." [later timmy in fairly odd parents would have dad say that to him] he had guessed wrong i had not yet started maturing with hair under my arms so i told him pointing at my arms "no hair you will see when we hug later." i had seen adults with hairy armpits but i was too young for that. he motioned again "i meant in the secret place." yikes i never knew hair grows there... and never imagined hair would... i did not know what to say?
he ran to his desk and held a plastic bag of soft candy sweets... the kind i had not seen in years and had bought this year after many years. he motioned again and then whispered in my ear "iwll give you this if you let me touch your fur." yikes!
what did this kid want? i was very curious what he wanted but knew i had no fur yet. so i told the truth in his ear "i didnt start growing" he interrupted whispering in my ear "stop acting shy. i will bring a whole bag tomorrow if you let me touch your fur. and this is for you now if you let me hug you." maybe i should have agreed? i felt so awkward i fled from the board to my desk. joe followed his face showed anguish "why do you hate me? i only said what i felt!"--"i just dont know you yet. i promise after we are friends we can hug like you wanted." his eyes were filling with tears... he even sniffled his nose... i assured him "not hate i promise."
"i will do anything. what do you want to know? i will even show you my secret place if you want."--"no that isnot what i want." i tried to clarify. "you mean i need to offer more?" gasp no wonder i blocked this memory.... "no i just mean know about you." his face showed horror at my rejection "but i told you my story already and that when i see you i want to hug you... i would even let you touch my secret place... please." "later i promise" luckily teacher returned so joe went to his desk.
mrs. fraklin led the principle in he asked me sternly "did you distract the students? i shrugged everybody saw i had done it so they would catch me lying. "yes" i confessed. teacher added "after they were talking anyway." principal waxplax left the room silently. fraklin said i am upset that you joined them but i always want you to tell the truth like that so i will reward you no homework for the class today and for you she handed me three "get out of homework" cards. use them whenever you want except the day befre a quiz.
joe moaned "no homework?" i felt so sorry for the nerdy kid even nerdier than me which was far nerdy! i told joe i will give you practice problems. "back to your seats" ordered frakilin and the day continued boring until the bell rang... jo was by my side "you promised. take it. i feel so strongly." i accepted the bag of soft red candy. we went to the privacy stalls near the lunch hall where nobody was passing during class time.
i pulled off my shirt and religious strings leaving an undershirt. he pulled off all his shirts at once. i touched his shoulder and he hugged my shirt close for a long minute. then i said i will take off the shirt. i yanked it off and chest to chest we hugged a very long time i could feel his heart pounding very loud and fast... it was a bit scary... he really was excited. so i held him... a long time until he said, "i want more" so i agreed "more time"--"no! you dont understand me!" he started crying as he pulled his shirts on and left the private stall.
i follwed listening to his stifled sobs. until i felt the cooler air i had left my shirt behind oops! i hurried back to the stall and only pulled on the outer shirt i was late for class! the bel had not rung in this part of the building... the rest of the classes were boring as usual until the second day of school at lunch.
joe showed me my own whole bag unopened one portion of soft cherry sweets... the bribe. "he repeated i will give this to you if you let me touch your fur." i repeated pointing at my arm "i didnt grow yet" he pointed at my pants. and said "i need you. you cant imagine how i feel."
he was right i could not imagine and i was curious what he wanted? "i agree same place as yesterday after math" he handed me the bag "i trust you. you can have it now" he ran away.
at math class the room was emptier... half the kids in the advanced had already asked to move to standard. the 8th graders who were moved back to advanced seventh were moved to a lower level maybe 4h grade? for multiplication. i kept glancing at "the kid who loved me" i was feeling so confused how he could love me if he did not know me?
nerdy as ever he concentrated on the lesson and didnot notice i kept staring at him.
one kid kept complaining that he didnot understand and teacher said "i explained do you have wax blocking your ears?" i raised my hand and offered to show it on the board and say in different words.
fraklin offered me chalk. i wrote the problem from the book and i said in simpler terms what i was doing. the kid complained "that is even harder to understand you made it worse." i said "i guess it is complicated because we are th advanced group". "i am smart" insisted the asker as he stormed out of the room without his bag and book.
i returned to my seat for more boring math until the bell rang.
i was ready to fulfill my promise i wanted to know what he meant by more?
he gathered his stuff into a back pack. i stood by the door waiting for him to follow as he walked toward the door i exited and walked to the lunch room as i turned the corner i looked back to see if he was following... i need not doubt there he was at a distance.
i passed the dark lunch hall and went to the private stall. i said you can open see for yourself. i doubted he really wanted.
he whispered arguing "no you open." so i uncovered and he searched for fur. "you shaved" he accused as his finger pressed under my navel. "i promise i did not need to shave i told you i did not grow".
he searched surprised that at my age no fur. he pushed the tube to side to search at the joint and stretch the skin while he searched to find the fur. "more" i whispered. "you like that?" he whispered. "yes."--"which do you like more this or this?" he moved his hamd on the tube. "both" he offered another bribe. "i will bring you another whole bag if you let me rub until... you know" i almost said "the opposite if you do the work i need to pay you" but realized he was the one getting pleasure... that is why he offered to give me the bribe for permission. so he started pressing and sliding and i enjoyed so much i did not where i was? nor how much time passed... finally he paused and said "nothing came out so you dont get the whole bag". i felt confused about the deal.. he had specidied until something but had not specified until what... anyway he HAD given me THE BRIBE IN ADVANCE but that was for the fur which did not grow. anyway he had given me a very good bribe. i said "if you enjoy this we can meet whenever you want." "i want weekly inspections until the fur grows." he insisted. so we met once a week for the inspection and we each got our excitement repeating the previous two intimacies... he always wore his pants but he enjoyed the lack of shirts. sometimes i felt guilty that he did effort but he was bribing me for permission so i gave permission and i got physical pleasure and sweets until finally hair grew and he found the fur and he was satisfied. once he felt the fur we stopped meeting. i thought he loved me and wanted hugs? i even wanted to ask him for more but that would be wrong... no surprise that i blocked out these memories until i ate the same type of candy ... but this time i felt exhausted and fell asleep... i was too exhausted to watch the disk video black panther and finally the supprressed memory surfaced and now i cant sleep at night so during these night hours i write my memory... i wonder what hapened to joe? hey joe, you know what we did do you remember this? how will you ever find me? do you even want to find me? the end
