roy roberts the half-gay prince
1 meet roy
roy hated school. he hated everything about it. he hated that school caused wake up time and bed time. the reason he hated going to bed at 9pm on school nyts was kuz of school.
he was only tired in the morning which was stupid kuz at that time he had aready slept since 9pm, but at 9pm after being busy all day he was never tired.
his routine at home was good.
at 6.30am his alarm beepd to wake him. he would run like mad to empty the liquid waste that had gatherd in his body all nyt. he noticed other kids had siblings and he wondered how they waited for each other to free the toilet room each morning he could not wait... and was fervently thankful to god that he did not "bless" his parents with children.
then he would dress. and eat the "bad processed" breakfast. he loved the delicious sugary flakes or nuggets or rings. he knew not to have a second bowl despite the pleasure kuz too much sugar.
when he finished he moved his bowl to the machine that woud wash dishes... but then the fun ended and the agony began.
on the fateful winter morning, roy awoke before his alarm for the first time he could remember. the pressure to empty the liquid was unbearable. the clock showed 613. he ran to the toilet and tried to aim but... his tube pointed upward. he knew the stream would flow out so he pushed to aim the tube at the toilet and then aah... he released the pee... but none exited he knew he needed same as every other morning what was wrong? was he clogd?
unable to aim roy entered the bathtub and did not aim. pee arched out like a rainbow upwards in an arc then down against the green tiles of the shower corner. he counted the seconds of flow... a b c d.... as the pressure inside eassed the tube also softened and he stopd washing the wall. the nightmare ended... and he continued to drain regular... but wait if ut was a nightmare then he was wetting his bed! oh no i better wake up and drain the pee before he ruins his mattress.
but how can he wake up? he pinched his arm, ow! that did not wake him. he realized he was awake. what next? he used to shower every morning but... realized that his alarm would beep he had not switched it off this time kuz he ran to pee before it. so he ran back to his room and switched it off. the clock showed 619. how had six minutes passed?
he had ran so fast to drain? and draining he knew the seconds was only 20 seconds. after switching off the alarm he ran back to the shower. as usual he reached for the fat ex knob but considered... he always showered every morning but then he went out in the cold winter with wet hair. he should CHANGE the routine only shower at nyt in winter.
so he left the shower insted of the usual morning shower. next he pushd the handle to flush the toilet... same as every morning except this time the tolet had been unused. he regretted the wasted water and the water bill.
next to the sink to wash his hands. he washed as usual and reached for the tooth brush but realized.... the taste of the tooth paste did linger as sposed to and what if he ate the rings without toothpaste taste? maybe it would be without mint?
why had his idiot parnets told him to brush before breakfast?? when he had not eaten anything yet. that was not the point of brush but to clean the food but no food eyt... so roy CHANGED skipd the brush teeth. insted he fild the clay cup and rinsed his mouth.
back in his tiny room, he lookd at the clothing that he had chosen last night. at the time he had liked them but now he was not in the mood of wearing those colors, again that was hi stupid parents fault. they insisted he lay his clothing prepared to save time in the morning but now he wanted different colors!
so he left those for the purpose of showing his parents his clothes were prepared for the NEXT day but chose the shirt he wanted for now... which stripes? he flipd thru the folded shirts on the shelf.
finally he dresd. he went to the table and grabd the bowl that he had made and painted. he poured the procesd grain rings and milk... wow! they tasted much better witthout mint from toothpaste... idiot parents.
if they woud be awake they woud bug him "go brush" but he had awoke earlier this time.
after eating sugary rings then was the time to brush the sugar away.... he had always done opposite brush before food when no sugar but then when sugar not brush so he CHANGED his routine and after the sugar he brushed without paste just to brush off sugar.
he left the room as his pa appeard "good brushing now go eaat" roy said "i ate first" pa argued "that wrong order..." so roy inturrupted "i brushed twice."
pa argued "that stupid you did it wrong" roy explained "gay boys brush twice". pa gasped and that shut pa up.
later, wearing a coat roy stood in the snow and the new york wind. no school busses for religious schools. a tiny car came. painted mustard yellow. the brat from 215 street went to the same jew school. he was in first grade. he was very ugly. his rich family had bought a psecial tiny car and hired a driver to take him to school every morning. since his home was near ugly uzi, this driver also drove roy t the same school... which roy hated. he hated that he rode to school with ugly uzi. he hated that school started before 8am. he hated that school started with reading prayers for a long time. he hated the repeating... day after day the same ninety pages... day after day after day with no variety.
if he had to ead a book better t read new pages each day. well TODAY was the day for change.
daryl the driver guided the tiny yellow car into the school driveway and stopd. uzi left from the front chair. the car was so tiny that one door closed over the front and back seats.
daryl drove to the next entrance. roy thankd daryl as usual and climbed out from the car. he went to his fifth grade class room. rabbi kras sat at the desk with the name book. as roy enterd the rabbi marked roy attendance. the kids sat in rows of desks same as they had since pre-school-5.
at exactly 7,30 kras orderd "rev your enjinz". as he stood up and left the class to get a drink of coffee. all the brats opened the hebrew prayer books and as usual chanted the hebrew words.... all except roy. today was the day for change.
he could think of many possibilties and combinations.
since today was wensday he would only read the fourth page of praises. he counted pages from the first page of rading but that page had tiny letters. so he skipd ahead to the section with psalms he read only the 4 psalm from that group. no repetitive anymore. and the rabbi was not here to inspect.
he sat as the other brats chanted but e was bored. what shoul he do? he almost submitted to reading with the brats... but that was just as boring!
roy lookd around the room at the naive suckers chanting as usual when no rabbi was watching. roy yeld "kras is out lets play ball." a few heads turned to the noise but all continued chanting the hebrew.
all except roy.
roy looked at each of the slaves obeying their rabbi master. he did not know ost of their names.
roy scand the rows of brats all looked ugly except 3 kids scatterd among the ugly kids. one with a medium face had beautiful blond hair. another with a medium face had red-brown hair. roy liked blond better. but that third kid with dar brown hair his face was pretty er pretty-hadsome.
roy was surprised that he never noticed that pretty boy before.
he tried to think of that brats name... ned? probly ned. he had never notcied how pretty ned lookd until now. kuz he had always submitted to the chanting routine. how would he earn the privilige to hang out with ned and enjoy his pretty face all day?
ned was so pretty that roy barely noticed that the striped shirt ned wore was bulging from fat belly.
roy now had direction and purpose. he pland how he would develop a frendship woth that faboulous face.
he would use humor. so as the brats chanted the prayers in hebrew roy thought about the many jokes he knew and decide which joke would get ned to like him. roy noticed that ned was not chanting! he was also a misfit rebel!. when the brats reached the end of a page and turned the page.... ned did not!
and he had thout ned was just a nerd until now.
wait! if ned did not read prayers then... he could tell ned a filthy joke! so he added a filthy joke to the list of jokes.
ned wore plastic rim glasses. clearish brown plastic rims. he wore a jew-cap that was unique. all the other kids wore velvet fabric mostly black... as roy noticed looking carefully at each jew cap for the first time... like his eyes were open today for the first time. he notcied most kids had black velvet but something differed some had smaller panels maybed 6 panels other broader velvet panels maybe four formed the jew cap. others had blue velevet. but ned had a different fabric black but not velvet. some other fabric. ned had one long brow over both his eyes. roy wrinkled his nose that was ugly but the face over ruled this flaw maybe he could convince ned to change... same as he had changed himself.
ned shirt had broad stripes green and dark blue. the bulge of fat botherd roy... but the face was worth it.
then a knew thout... a thout that never occurd to him before... under that shirt must be... a fat bulge of belly... so under the pants must be... same as his own under wear briefs. he could not see but he could know logicly if everybody wore underpants than even without seeing then ned must also be wearing white briefs same as himself... roy's heart was beating very fast he almost felt dizzy at the next idea... if boys have the same body then under those briefs... he imagined ned had the same body he had seen on himself every morning in the shower... that made his heart race as he imagined ned satnding he enjoyed ned face and traced his eyes down the male body same as his won except his own body was boring but ned's body.... roy's heart was racing very fast. he did ffeeel dizzy and gripd the edge of his desk to stop the room spinning... but his head started to ache and he collapsed his head on the desk... as all the kids swished their pages to the next page... all except ned and the now unconcious roy.
chapter two the meeting
after prayers was a recess break. the brats formd grups and chatted together some about shows they saw on tv others to taunt the cheap clothing of the poor kids, the change in noise woke roy who felt very very dizzy. he grabd for his snack... but wanted to impress ned. if ned sfat annoyed me then probly my bulge belly annoys him i better skip the fatty sugary cake. as he gazed at the yellow sweet sponge he considered it hardly tasted sweet compared to the sweet rings... this was no real sacrifice to skip. it did not taste like vanilla anyway.
he slid the cake into his bag and wondered why he did not feel hungry. he asked the brat next to him to share some pretzels. iss-ak offered a deal "if you are not eating the cake i will trade for all my pretzels if not then you can only have one." roy handed the cake and got issac pretzels. he ate a few crispy crunchy salty and his dizziness ended. he guesd that he needed salt for blood pressure. so he saved some pretzels for later.
then roy prepared his speeech fr prety ned.
he would say his own name then explain that he had always been shy until today but today was different kuz... um kuz today that shirt has really sexy stripes.... no stylish. um then he would tell the 3 jokes.
roy took a deep breath and walked accros the calss room between desks and between groups of loud brats. he passed a group taking about boring football stats. he thout that was boring at least durng the game stuff happened throwing and tackling the runner down but stats gross.
he finally reacjed ned... who turned his short body sideways and looked up at the tall roy... roy did not wanna ruin this he tried to say his speech... so it would please ned but he was too scared he would look stupid... he could not speak... then worse he again imagined under ned pants were underwear... and he got dizzy again and under the underwear...
"what up roy?' roy heard from a long way away from ned his heart pounded harder..; ned the one so pretty knew him noticed him knew his name he had not even been ceratin that ned was named ned!
finally roy answered "hi roy im ned... shidd, i mean can i tell yu a filthy joke... fugg no! i mean do you like knock knock jokes?" ned blinkd and said "i know you are roy".
roy shouted in a frustrated tone "NO" but before he gave up for being a fol he tried one last try "when mister ippee married missoury her married name was mississipee!" ned smiled at the double meaning. roy felt so good to see the smile and relief kuz is openening disaster had not triggerd a "get away freak" as he had feared and he had chosen the PERFECT type of nerdy joke for nerdy-ned about the states.
author note: since i am ned i did like the double meaning and give credit of that joke to roy
ned said 'i dont understand filthy jokes so tell me some."
relief surged thru roy he had not ruined his chance with pretty ned.
boldly roy said his next two jokes... maybe a bit too quickly as his breathing acceperated again gazing at ned fabulous face. "knock knock" roy paused. ned who's there?
roy tried to stop thinking about ned's male body same as his own.... a struggle as he moved to the next part of the joke... "mud" ned looked confused.... then asked "mud who-oo-oo?"
roy nodded that was the next step.
roy concluded with the punchline "mud the dirty joke"
ned blinked and shrugd. it was not as funny as mrs ippy and he... did not understand the joke.
nor why was it dirty? oh ! kuz mud is dirty.
ned said "clever." in a polite tone.
roy thout "i am NAILIN this!" then asked "are you ready for a REALLY filthy joke?"
ned replied "nothing can be dirtier than mud".
roy was so surprised that he burst out laughing and was too dizzy to talk.
he waved good bye and ran to his own desk... just in time for rabbi kras to return... and yell at the kids who were not in the seats "no hummus for you iss-ak" the kras yelld at a second issak not the one who traded pretzels for sponge cake.
the lesson began. all roy coud think was his stupid stupid introduction confusiono. he was furious kuz he worked so har to prepare but he was so scaref of messing up that he could not think straight. if ned had been a jerk he woulda insuted his disaster and then he would lose his chance to hang with pretty ned.
suddenly roy felt dizzy again kuz he heard neds voice ned was arguing with rabbi kras. "imust have low blood pressure today" roy thout as he slipd some more salty pretzels in his mouth and siletly sukd the salt.
ned was complaining "some rabbi YOU are calling the bible immoral."
the rabbi exploded "SHUT UP AND GET ou-u-u-u-u-t".
ned stood and left the room.
opportunity! "i gotta drain" roy whined but rabbi kras ws mad. "wait til recess"
ned argued "our religion said witing is a sin"
roy liked how ned played tht card. was it a sin? he did not know but maybe it would convince the rabbi.
but the rabbi echoed "wait til recess"
ned ridiculed "you are a fraud pretending to be a jewish rabbi and ignoring this too."
roy had an idea without permission he could leave "yeh you are a fraud i wont listen we should all leave."
half the kids jumped out of their chairs and looked around. roy followed ned... and six kids followed roy out. the rest sat down at their desks.
ned walked to the corridor and the six ran to the gym to play ball... where they got caught and detention.
roy followed ned toward the principle office and urged ned "dont go there they will punish you follow me." so the couple went to a section with unused classrooms.
finally roy was able to tell his filthy joke that his pa had taught him. it must be really filthy kuz his ma freaked out!
roy started "i loved your line that nothing is dirtuer than mud--thanks i said. roy continued but this is a filthy joke abut PREGNANCY.
okay, i said.
so you can handle a dirty joke? roy asked doubtfully, considering ned was such a nerd.
ned nodded.
roy's dad's filthy joke: "once upon a time a lil princess went to see the kids leaving the public scool. one brat thout she was HOT so he came real close and slowly leaned to kiss her. she jumped away and said "dont try to kiss me."--i thought maybe you wanted a kiss."--i dont evne know you!-- i dont know yet either but i know that i wanna know you and if you let me kiss your cheek i will give you cream puffs." she said "well for two creampuffs you may kiss my cheek twice."
the brat leaned and kisd each cheek. "now pay up" she demanded. "i hve them at home but if you come to my house and we play a few games iw ill give more cream puffs".
the princess did not doubt... as she should have doubted that he would do his words.... so she went to his home and they played games. after a few games the brat said "tell the truth even before the cream puffs you enjoy playing with me." she said "these games are fun so yes i guess"--see if you would not have followed me here you would not enjoy time with me.--tht does not mean i cancel my cream puff debt!--oh i will give cream puffs" the brat assured her "but later."
the family ate a dinner which for her was too simple. then the pair went to play video games for hours and hours until she was drowsy but he urged her "just play more for the cream puffs so she struggled to stay awake until... she fell asleep from tiredness. now the boy gave her his cream. get it?"
ned did not get it. i know kuz i was ned.
roy continued "the brat put a pillow under the lil princess head and went to bed. in the morning she demanded her cream puffs. the brat assured her "i already gave you the cream... and the puffs will come in around forty weeks".
ned said "i get the puffs i dont get the cream".
roy doubted "you must be kidding."--i dont understand explain the joke--i cant but i will show you if you let me sleep over lets shake hands to agree. roy extended his hand and ned mirrird but froze "wait. promise you wont give ME cream!"
roy exploaded with laughter "of course not that would be gross. do you even know what your question means?" ned wagd no but said "you promise?" "i promise both to show you the joke and not to give any cream."
we shook hands on the agreement.
then roy asked me what was my fovrite story about abraham and we talked about bible til recess break.
at recess we went back to our empty classroom. all the brats were playing ball the teacher went to rest and only 2 nerds were reading books in the empty class room. we talked about the sports game roy had watched on tv. ry told ned what happened in the game and the excting parts ansde exlained some of the game rules too.
the bell rang so kids started pouring back in and roy said "i hope you say yes but i gotta know if i give you the answers to homework will you let me see you naked?"
ned answered the nerdiest answer possible, "you can see yoursefl all boys are the same." roy argued "the same as faces differ i gotta see you i will even tell you homework answers let me see you." roy urged.
ned said "only from a distance i will stand in the shower where naked is normal and you stand a few steps away and only for sixty seconds." roy agreed and they shook hands on the deal "kuz longer would be creepy" roy agreed.
so the next class the teacher tried to teach and finally lunch break.
we stayed in the classrom for lunch and roy asked ned if he was hungry.
"honestly no i eat kuz bad to skip meals--true but if you are not hungry toyyou can eat SMALLER portions and save the rest for when you ARE hungry."
ned nodded took a bite of his grss peanu butter samwij and put t back in the bag.
roy told more sports stores about athletes and compettions.
roy said "did you know the government gives milk to our school?" ned said nope. roy ran out and in minutes returned with two kid size carton of milk.
a brat whined "you cant bring milk in here i am eating chicken" ned said "you wont drink it.
the couple talked more stories.
after the next class roy said we can do the answers now--no i argued recess is not for work tell me more stories about athletes and sports game so he entetaind me all recess.
at dismissal roy said dont bring any heavy books i will tell you all the answers as we agreed.
i did not trust him... that was the point of the cream joke... wasnt it?
"wait here and dont carry your heavybooks". well i waited. roy returnd with his binder and showed me he had already written the answers so no need fo heavy books.
roy waited for ugly uzi at the usual spot and said he was not going in the yelow car insted he was going with me.
a minivan came so ned ashtin and roy drove to ned home. ashtin stayed in the van and went to kung fu. forget about ashtin. before they enterd ned home roy said "we gotta do the homework now to explain why nno books" ned agreed and insted of entering the home they went arooud and sat on the grass. roy read the answers for sience first and ned copied word for word without reading the question nor the text book. roy complained "you write too slowly let me write--no the teachers will know the handwriting.
so the dictater was limited to dictating the answers. for the religious home work i told him to write kuz i thout the rabbi was too dumb to notice handwriting that is why he believed in judaism.
also i let him do the math kuz numbers were not unique shape.
but i was wrong roys numbers were smooth and pretty. i askd roy to guide my hands to make nice numbers and he did.
homework and numbers completed we enterd my empty home.
"my parents wont be home til six. what games do you like" --lets play video games--oh no you dont! til i fall asleep and you give cream? i dont even know what it is."
roy again repeated his promises he would show me whatever cream was and would not give me cream and that was so desperate to see "the real me" he would do all the conditions.
as kyle would say "lets just get this over with quickly".
if yu did not see episode one kyle is a huge jerk to all you fans of kyle who think liking kyle proves you are not a jew hater. kyle is not worthy of your love. neither is creepy astronaut jew with lenoerd in big bang. just kyle is the only jew they heard of so they say we love kyle as if that proves they dont hate jews. which is worthless.
but back t the deal.
we enterd the shower room. two curious fifth graders for the sausage fest and franks.
i stood in the shower and roy stood by the door and specified "i will start the countdown when your skin shows but undress slowly.
what ever.
first ned slid off shoes and socks then layers of shirts
as ned yankd the undershirt roy protested slw down. so ned recoverd his chest and slowly reveald his chest.
ned did not know that roy heart was aready excitedly pounding.
off came the slacks pants. and one more layer slowly. roy beepd his watch and gazed at ned the real ned. the cold air made ned tube inflate. and poit up as described in the stephen king bok abou the dream where the breeze caused the male tube to inflate and point up.
ned stood in the showere and wiggled his shoulders
oh my god mumbled roy.... i did not need sixty seconds.
wadya mean? ned askd.
"it means, roy explained "that was intense and excting and we need to do this every week my god!"
i wrpd a towel around myself and left the shower. then i dresd in pyjama. roy stood in the shower room until i returnd coverd. then he opend his pants and i said "wait what are you doing i never asked to see the real you?" i am showing yu cream.
and he showed the wet breifs. and explained "at our age wehn our tube gets long white cream can come out it can make puffs like pregnancy." now i understood. "cream and puffs" got it.
sadly things went down hill. i had no video games so he entertained my by telling me stories about sports games and thletese.
i said he should chamge out of wet cream underwear but he said he did not bother all year so just at bed time. the night had some eating and more stories and bed time.
roy askd to shower since he had decided to only shower at nyt.
at bedtime ry cmpalined that my bed time was insane he was allowed to stay awake til 9.
as i lay under my covers i felt cold. i climbed out of bed and sat by the vent of heating. roy hopefully waved me into his bed. i figured he emptied his cream and showerd so i would be dry in the morning
the heat of two bodies helpd me fall asleep that winter nyt,
in the morning a strange pressing woke me
roy was kneeling on the floor and i was in his gest bed. where we had slept. roy explained "i got bored of petting your cat so i squezzed your cat to wake you." by cat he meant the part for reproduction. "according to the booktwo minutes should be enuf time for petting the cat but nothing came out for twenty minutes except you smiled in your slepp kuz you liked it. i kept petting after my crea exited kuz you were smiiling. i petted almost six minutes til i decided to wake you and squeezd you r cat. now go piss and i will make you smile again.
end.
boy: wanna go out?
rachel: sorry i am meeting sara.
boy: "i wish i could meet sara." then he convinced sara to date him kuz "ricks" before chicks.
2 i dont exercise work out " i do internal repairs" which you cant check if i did or not.
1 meet roy
roy hated school. he hated everything about it. he hated that school caused wake up time and bed time. the reason he hated going to bed at 9pm on school nyts was kuz of school.
he was only tired in the morning which was stupid kuz at that time he had aready slept since 9pm, but at 9pm after being busy all day he was never tired.
his routine at home was good.
at 6.30am his alarm beepd to wake him. he would run like mad to empty the liquid waste that had gatherd in his body all nyt. he noticed other kids had siblings and he wondered how they waited for each other to free the toilet room each morning he could not wait... and was fervently thankful to god that he did not "bless" his parents with children.
then he would dress. and eat the "bad processed" breakfast. he loved the delicious sugary flakes or nuggets or rings. he knew not to have a second bowl despite the pleasure kuz too much sugar.
when he finished he moved his bowl to the machine that woud wash dishes... but then the fun ended and the agony began.
on the fateful winter morning, roy awoke before his alarm for the first time he could remember. the pressure to empty the liquid was unbearable. the clock showed 613. he ran to the toilet and tried to aim but... his tube pointed upward. he knew the stream would flow out so he pushed to aim the tube at the toilet and then aah... he released the pee... but none exited he knew he needed same as every other morning what was wrong? was he clogd?
unable to aim roy entered the bathtub and did not aim. pee arched out like a rainbow upwards in an arc then down against the green tiles of the shower corner. he counted the seconds of flow... a b c d.... as the pressure inside eassed the tube also softened and he stopd washing the wall. the nightmare ended... and he continued to drain regular... but wait if ut was a nightmare then he was wetting his bed! oh no i better wake up and drain the pee before he ruins his mattress.
but how can he wake up? he pinched his arm, ow! that did not wake him. he realized he was awake. what next? he used to shower every morning but... realized that his alarm would beep he had not switched it off this time kuz he ran to pee before it. so he ran back to his room and switched it off. the clock showed 619. how had six minutes passed?
he had ran so fast to drain? and draining he knew the seconds was only 20 seconds. after switching off the alarm he ran back to the shower. as usual he reached for the fat ex knob but considered... he always showered every morning but then he went out in the cold winter with wet hair. he should CHANGE the routine only shower at nyt in winter.
so he left the shower insted of the usual morning shower. next he pushd the handle to flush the toilet... same as every morning except this time the tolet had been unused. he regretted the wasted water and the water bill.
next to the sink to wash his hands. he washed as usual and reached for the tooth brush but realized.... the taste of the tooth paste did linger as sposed to and what if he ate the rings without toothpaste taste? maybe it would be without mint?
why had his idiot parnets told him to brush before breakfast?? when he had not eaten anything yet. that was not the point of brush but to clean the food but no food eyt... so roy CHANGED skipd the brush teeth. insted he fild the clay cup and rinsed his mouth.
back in his tiny room, he lookd at the clothing that he had chosen last night. at the time he had liked them but now he was not in the mood of wearing those colors, again that was hi stupid parents fault. they insisted he lay his clothing prepared to save time in the morning but now he wanted different colors!
so he left those for the purpose of showing his parents his clothes were prepared for the NEXT day but chose the shirt he wanted for now... which stripes? he flipd thru the folded shirts on the shelf.
finally he dresd. he went to the table and grabd the bowl that he had made and painted. he poured the procesd grain rings and milk... wow! they tasted much better witthout mint from toothpaste... idiot parents.
if they woud be awake they woud bug him "go brush" but he had awoke earlier this time.
after eating sugary rings then was the time to brush the sugar away.... he had always done opposite brush before food when no sugar but then when sugar not brush so he CHANGED his routine and after the sugar he brushed without paste just to brush off sugar.
he left the room as his pa appeard "good brushing now go eaat" roy said "i ate first" pa argued "that wrong order..." so roy inturrupted "i brushed twice."
pa argued "that stupid you did it wrong" roy explained "gay boys brush twice". pa gasped and that shut pa up.
later, wearing a coat roy stood in the snow and the new york wind. no school busses for religious schools. a tiny car came. painted mustard yellow. the brat from 215 street went to the same jew school. he was in first grade. he was very ugly. his rich family had bought a psecial tiny car and hired a driver to take him to school every morning. since his home was near ugly uzi, this driver also drove roy t the same school... which roy hated. he hated that he rode to school with ugly uzi. he hated that school started before 8am. he hated that school started with reading prayers for a long time. he hated the repeating... day after day the same ninety pages... day after day after day with no variety.
if he had to ead a book better t read new pages each day. well TODAY was the day for change.
daryl the driver guided the tiny yellow car into the school driveway and stopd. uzi left from the front chair. the car was so tiny that one door closed over the front and back seats.
daryl drove to the next entrance. roy thankd daryl as usual and climbed out from the car. he went to his fifth grade class room. rabbi kras sat at the desk with the name book. as roy enterd the rabbi marked roy attendance. the kids sat in rows of desks same as they had since pre-school-5.
at exactly 7,30 kras orderd "rev your enjinz". as he stood up and left the class to get a drink of coffee. all the brats opened the hebrew prayer books and as usual chanted the hebrew words.... all except roy. today was the day for change.
he could think of many possibilties and combinations.
since today was wensday he would only read the fourth page of praises. he counted pages from the first page of rading but that page had tiny letters. so he skipd ahead to the section with psalms he read only the 4 psalm from that group. no repetitive anymore. and the rabbi was not here to inspect.
he sat as the other brats chanted but e was bored. what shoul he do? he almost submitted to reading with the brats... but that was just as boring!
roy lookd around the room at the naive suckers chanting as usual when no rabbi was watching. roy yeld "kras is out lets play ball." a few heads turned to the noise but all continued chanting the hebrew.
all except roy.
roy looked at each of the slaves obeying their rabbi master. he did not know ost of their names.
roy scand the rows of brats all looked ugly except 3 kids scatterd among the ugly kids. one with a medium face had beautiful blond hair. another with a medium face had red-brown hair. roy liked blond better. but that third kid with dar brown hair his face was pretty er pretty-hadsome.
roy was surprised that he never noticed that pretty boy before.
he tried to think of that brats name... ned? probly ned. he had never notcied how pretty ned lookd until now. kuz he had always submitted to the chanting routine. how would he earn the privilige to hang out with ned and enjoy his pretty face all day?
ned was so pretty that roy barely noticed that the striped shirt ned wore was bulging from fat belly.
roy now had direction and purpose. he pland how he would develop a frendship woth that faboulous face.
he would use humor. so as the brats chanted the prayers in hebrew roy thought about the many jokes he knew and decide which joke would get ned to like him. roy noticed that ned was not chanting! he was also a misfit rebel!. when the brats reached the end of a page and turned the page.... ned did not!
and he had thout ned was just a nerd until now.
wait! if ned did not read prayers then... he could tell ned a filthy joke! so he added a filthy joke to the list of jokes.
ned wore plastic rim glasses. clearish brown plastic rims. he wore a jew-cap that was unique. all the other kids wore velvet fabric mostly black... as roy noticed looking carefully at each jew cap for the first time... like his eyes were open today for the first time. he notcied most kids had black velvet but something differed some had smaller panels maybed 6 panels other broader velvet panels maybe four formed the jew cap. others had blue velevet. but ned had a different fabric black but not velvet. some other fabric. ned had one long brow over both his eyes. roy wrinkled his nose that was ugly but the face over ruled this flaw maybe he could convince ned to change... same as he had changed himself.
ned shirt had broad stripes green and dark blue. the bulge of fat botherd roy... but the face was worth it.
then a knew thout... a thout that never occurd to him before... under that shirt must be... a fat bulge of belly... so under the pants must be... same as his own under wear briefs. he could not see but he could know logicly if everybody wore underpants than even without seeing then ned must also be wearing white briefs same as himself... roy's heart was beating very fast he almost felt dizzy at the next idea... if boys have the same body then under those briefs... he imagined ned had the same body he had seen on himself every morning in the shower... that made his heart race as he imagined ned satnding he enjoyed ned face and traced his eyes down the male body same as his won except his own body was boring but ned's body.... roy's heart was racing very fast. he did ffeeel dizzy and gripd the edge of his desk to stop the room spinning... but his head started to ache and he collapsed his head on the desk... as all the kids swished their pages to the next page... all except ned and the now unconcious roy.
chapter two the meeting
after prayers was a recess break. the brats formd grups and chatted together some about shows they saw on tv others to taunt the cheap clothing of the poor kids, the change in noise woke roy who felt very very dizzy. he grabd for his snack... but wanted to impress ned. if ned sfat annoyed me then probly my bulge belly annoys him i better skip the fatty sugary cake. as he gazed at the yellow sweet sponge he considered it hardly tasted sweet compared to the sweet rings... this was no real sacrifice to skip. it did not taste like vanilla anyway.
he slid the cake into his bag and wondered why he did not feel hungry. he asked the brat next to him to share some pretzels. iss-ak offered a deal "if you are not eating the cake i will trade for all my pretzels if not then you can only have one." roy handed the cake and got issac pretzels. he ate a few crispy crunchy salty and his dizziness ended. he guesd that he needed salt for blood pressure. so he saved some pretzels for later.
then roy prepared his speeech fr prety ned.
he would say his own name then explain that he had always been shy until today but today was different kuz... um kuz today that shirt has really sexy stripes.... no stylish. um then he would tell the 3 jokes.
roy took a deep breath and walked accros the calss room between desks and between groups of loud brats. he passed a group taking about boring football stats. he thout that was boring at least durng the game stuff happened throwing and tackling the runner down but stats gross.
he finally reacjed ned... who turned his short body sideways and looked up at the tall roy... roy did not wanna ruin this he tried to say his speech... so it would please ned but he was too scared he would look stupid... he could not speak... then worse he again imagined under ned pants were underwear... and he got dizzy again and under the underwear...
"what up roy?' roy heard from a long way away from ned his heart pounded harder..; ned the one so pretty knew him noticed him knew his name he had not even been ceratin that ned was named ned!
finally roy answered "hi roy im ned... shidd, i mean can i tell yu a filthy joke... fugg no! i mean do you like knock knock jokes?" ned blinkd and said "i know you are roy".
roy shouted in a frustrated tone "NO" but before he gave up for being a fol he tried one last try "when mister ippee married missoury her married name was mississipee!" ned smiled at the double meaning. roy felt so good to see the smile and relief kuz is openening disaster had not triggerd a "get away freak" as he had feared and he had chosen the PERFECT type of nerdy joke for nerdy-ned about the states.
author note: since i am ned i did like the double meaning and give credit of that joke to roy
ned said 'i dont understand filthy jokes so tell me some."
relief surged thru roy he had not ruined his chance with pretty ned.
boldly roy said his next two jokes... maybe a bit too quickly as his breathing acceperated again gazing at ned fabulous face. "knock knock" roy paused. ned who's there?
roy tried to stop thinking about ned's male body same as his own.... a struggle as he moved to the next part of the joke... "mud" ned looked confused.... then asked "mud who-oo-oo?"
roy nodded that was the next step.
roy concluded with the punchline "mud the dirty joke"
ned blinked and shrugd. it was not as funny as mrs ippy and he... did not understand the joke.
nor why was it dirty? oh ! kuz mud is dirty.
ned said "clever." in a polite tone.
roy thout "i am NAILIN this!" then asked "are you ready for a REALLY filthy joke?"
ned replied "nothing can be dirtier than mud".
roy was so surprised that he burst out laughing and was too dizzy to talk.
he waved good bye and ran to his own desk... just in time for rabbi kras to return... and yell at the kids who were not in the seats "no hummus for you iss-ak" the kras yelld at a second issak not the one who traded pretzels for sponge cake.
the lesson began. all roy coud think was his stupid stupid introduction confusiono. he was furious kuz he worked so har to prepare but he was so scaref of messing up that he could not think straight. if ned had been a jerk he woulda insuted his disaster and then he would lose his chance to hang with pretty ned.
suddenly roy felt dizzy again kuz he heard neds voice ned was arguing with rabbi kras. "imust have low blood pressure today" roy thout as he slipd some more salty pretzels in his mouth and siletly sukd the salt.
ned was complaining "some rabbi YOU are calling the bible immoral."
the rabbi exploded "SHUT UP AND GET ou-u-u-u-u-t".
ned stood and left the room.
opportunity! "i gotta drain" roy whined but rabbi kras ws mad. "wait til recess"
ned argued "our religion said witing is a sin"
roy liked how ned played tht card. was it a sin? he did not know but maybe it would convince the rabbi.
but the rabbi echoed "wait til recess"
ned ridiculed "you are a fraud pretending to be a jewish rabbi and ignoring this too."
roy had an idea without permission he could leave "yeh you are a fraud i wont listen we should all leave."
half the kids jumped out of their chairs and looked around. roy followed ned... and six kids followed roy out. the rest sat down at their desks.
ned walked to the corridor and the six ran to the gym to play ball... where they got caught and detention.
roy followed ned toward the principle office and urged ned "dont go there they will punish you follow me." so the couple went to a section with unused classrooms.
finally roy was able to tell his filthy joke that his pa had taught him. it must be really filthy kuz his ma freaked out!
roy started "i loved your line that nothing is dirtuer than mud--thanks i said. roy continued but this is a filthy joke abut PREGNANCY.
okay, i said.
so you can handle a dirty joke? roy asked doubtfully, considering ned was such a nerd.
ned nodded.
roy's dad's filthy joke: "once upon a time a lil princess went to see the kids leaving the public scool. one brat thout she was HOT so he came real close and slowly leaned to kiss her. she jumped away and said "dont try to kiss me."--i thought maybe you wanted a kiss."--i dont evne know you!-- i dont know yet either but i know that i wanna know you and if you let me kiss your cheek i will give you cream puffs." she said "well for two creampuffs you may kiss my cheek twice."
the brat leaned and kisd each cheek. "now pay up" she demanded. "i hve them at home but if you come to my house and we play a few games iw ill give more cream puffs".
the princess did not doubt... as she should have doubted that he would do his words.... so she went to his home and they played games. after a few games the brat said "tell the truth even before the cream puffs you enjoy playing with me." she said "these games are fun so yes i guess"--see if you would not have followed me here you would not enjoy time with me.--tht does not mean i cancel my cream puff debt!--oh i will give cream puffs" the brat assured her "but later."
the family ate a dinner which for her was too simple. then the pair went to play video games for hours and hours until she was drowsy but he urged her "just play more for the cream puffs so she struggled to stay awake until... she fell asleep from tiredness. now the boy gave her his cream. get it?"
ned did not get it. i know kuz i was ned.
roy continued "the brat put a pillow under the lil princess head and went to bed. in the morning she demanded her cream puffs. the brat assured her "i already gave you the cream... and the puffs will come in around forty weeks".
ned said "i get the puffs i dont get the cream".
roy doubted "you must be kidding."--i dont understand explain the joke--i cant but i will show you if you let me sleep over lets shake hands to agree. roy extended his hand and ned mirrird but froze "wait. promise you wont give ME cream!"
roy exploaded with laughter "of course not that would be gross. do you even know what your question means?" ned wagd no but said "you promise?" "i promise both to show you the joke and not to give any cream."
we shook hands on the agreement.
then roy asked me what was my fovrite story about abraham and we talked about bible til recess break.
at recess we went back to our empty classroom. all the brats were playing ball the teacher went to rest and only 2 nerds were reading books in the empty class room. we talked about the sports game roy had watched on tv. ry told ned what happened in the game and the excting parts ansde exlained some of the game rules too.
the bell rang so kids started pouring back in and roy said "i hope you say yes but i gotta know if i give you the answers to homework will you let me see you naked?"
ned answered the nerdiest answer possible, "you can see yoursefl all boys are the same." roy argued "the same as faces differ i gotta see you i will even tell you homework answers let me see you." roy urged.
ned said "only from a distance i will stand in the shower where naked is normal and you stand a few steps away and only for sixty seconds." roy agreed and they shook hands on the deal "kuz longer would be creepy" roy agreed.
so the next class the teacher tried to teach and finally lunch break.
we stayed in the classrom for lunch and roy asked ned if he was hungry.
"honestly no i eat kuz bad to skip meals--true but if you are not hungry toyyou can eat SMALLER portions and save the rest for when you ARE hungry."
ned nodded took a bite of his grss peanu butter samwij and put t back in the bag.
roy told more sports stores about athletes and compettions.
roy said "did you know the government gives milk to our school?" ned said nope. roy ran out and in minutes returned with two kid size carton of milk.
a brat whined "you cant bring milk in here i am eating chicken" ned said "you wont drink it.
the couple talked more stories.
after the next class roy said we can do the answers now--no i argued recess is not for work tell me more stories about athletes and sports game so he entetaind me all recess.
at dismissal roy said dont bring any heavy books i will tell you all the answers as we agreed.
i did not trust him... that was the point of the cream joke... wasnt it?
"wait here and dont carry your heavybooks". well i waited. roy returnd with his binder and showed me he had already written the answers so no need fo heavy books.
roy waited for ugly uzi at the usual spot and said he was not going in the yelow car insted he was going with me.
a minivan came so ned ashtin and roy drove to ned home. ashtin stayed in the van and went to kung fu. forget about ashtin. before they enterd ned home roy said "we gotta do the homework now to explain why nno books" ned agreed and insted of entering the home they went arooud and sat on the grass. roy read the answers for sience first and ned copied word for word without reading the question nor the text book. roy complained "you write too slowly let me write--no the teachers will know the handwriting.
so the dictater was limited to dictating the answers. for the religious home work i told him to write kuz i thout the rabbi was too dumb to notice handwriting that is why he believed in judaism.
also i let him do the math kuz numbers were not unique shape.
but i was wrong roys numbers were smooth and pretty. i askd roy to guide my hands to make nice numbers and he did.
homework and numbers completed we enterd my empty home.
"my parents wont be home til six. what games do you like" --lets play video games--oh no you dont! til i fall asleep and you give cream? i dont even know what it is."
roy again repeated his promises he would show me whatever cream was and would not give me cream and that was so desperate to see "the real me" he would do all the conditions.
as kyle would say "lets just get this over with quickly".
if yu did not see episode one kyle is a huge jerk to all you fans of kyle who think liking kyle proves you are not a jew hater. kyle is not worthy of your love. neither is creepy astronaut jew with lenoerd in big bang. just kyle is the only jew they heard of so they say we love kyle as if that proves they dont hate jews. which is worthless.
but back t the deal.
we enterd the shower room. two curious fifth graders for the sausage fest and franks.
i stood in the shower and roy stood by the door and specified "i will start the countdown when your skin shows but undress slowly.
what ever.
first ned slid off shoes and socks then layers of shirts
as ned yankd the undershirt roy protested slw down. so ned recoverd his chest and slowly reveald his chest.
ned did not know that roy heart was aready excitedly pounding.
off came the slacks pants. and one more layer slowly. roy beepd his watch and gazed at ned the real ned. the cold air made ned tube inflate. and poit up as described in the stephen king bok abou the dream where the breeze caused the male tube to inflate and point up.
ned stood in the showere and wiggled his shoulders
oh my god mumbled roy.... i did not need sixty seconds.
wadya mean? ned askd.
"it means, roy explained "that was intense and excting and we need to do this every week my god!"
i wrpd a towel around myself and left the shower. then i dresd in pyjama. roy stood in the shower room until i returnd coverd. then he opend his pants and i said "wait what are you doing i never asked to see the real you?" i am showing yu cream.
and he showed the wet breifs. and explained "at our age wehn our tube gets long white cream can come out it can make puffs like pregnancy." now i understood. "cream and puffs" got it.
sadly things went down hill. i had no video games so he entertained my by telling me stories about sports games and thletese.
i said he should chamge out of wet cream underwear but he said he did not bother all year so just at bed time. the night had some eating and more stories and bed time.
roy askd to shower since he had decided to only shower at nyt.
at bedtime ry cmpalined that my bed time was insane he was allowed to stay awake til 9.
as i lay under my covers i felt cold. i climbed out of bed and sat by the vent of heating. roy hopefully waved me into his bed. i figured he emptied his cream and showerd so i would be dry in the morning
the heat of two bodies helpd me fall asleep that winter nyt,
in the morning a strange pressing woke me
roy was kneeling on the floor and i was in his gest bed. where we had slept. roy explained "i got bored of petting your cat so i squezzed your cat to wake you." by cat he meant the part for reproduction. "according to the booktwo minutes should be enuf time for petting the cat but nothing came out for twenty minutes except you smiled in your slepp kuz you liked it. i kept petting after my crea exited kuz you were smiiling. i petted almost six minutes til i decided to wake you and squeezd you r cat. now go piss and i will make you smile again.
end.
boy: wanna go out?
rachel: sorry i am meeting sara.
boy: "i wish i could meet sara." then he convinced sara to date him kuz "ricks" before chicks.
2 i dont exercise work out " i do internal repairs" which you cant check if i did or not.
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